“In his blue gardens men and girls came and went like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars.”
Alright. I had just written this long, metaphorical paragraph here about endings, and then I accidentally deleted it. Shit. I can’t re-create what I wrote without sounding banal and rushed, but I will pose my original question: would you rather end something at the zenith of it’s greatness, thus leaving the ender and the endee with a positive taste after the ending, or would you rather procrastinate to the very last second, 60 seconds before the final decay to end it, leaving both parties drained, depressed and with a negative outlook for the rest of their life? The only reason for the choice of Option A would be because you were afraid of the future — though everything is all wonderful and Candyland now, you know that possibly — whether sooner or later — the something you’re thinking about ending could end itself automatically, or drastically morph into the type of something that you know your wayward, already-a-bit-scintzy emotions can’t handle. Would you rather sacrifice a possible eternal happiness for the chance that something in the far future will go wrong? Is it fickle of me to say yes?
You know, I don’t really feel like going into extreme boring detail about the past few days, though they were certainly eventful. Nick told me that my webpage was becoming less descriptive, and less like my writing and I, of course, bit his head off because I can’t take any sort of criticism, especially if it’s true. So, here is a quick summary of what has occurred in the past few days:
1) I had my Senior Portraits done. The guy was a corny jerk, and kept making ridiculous blonde and redhead jokes, and kept making me grab my ass in the pictures, but he did seem like he knew what he was doing so, asshole or not, I think my pictures will come out good.
2) I broke my full-length mirror by stepping on it while Nick, Abbey and I were trying to take “model” pictures. It was just such a symbol for a lot of things, and if I really wanted to go deeper, I could probably write you a four-page imagery essay on it. But no.
3) Nick and I ran into Boe, or shall I say, Boe ran into us. I was dropping Nick off at his house around 12:30 AM, and a car drove up behind us in Nick’s driveway, and it was Boe. He had dyed his hair a sort-of blondeish color and it looked really cute.
4) I went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show last night with Abbey, Nick and Geoffrey. We got all dressed up at Geoffrey’s house: Nick was wearing an all-black, tight outfit with a green ’70’s jacket; Geoffrey had a black tuxedo with a tophat; Abbey had on a short black skirt, tanktop and cute little red shoes; and I had on this tight little black dress that Nick gave me for Valentine’s day and a huge fur jacket. Of course, our makeup and hair was wild — we took lots of pictures, which I will have up once I get them developed. The show was awesome, as usual, though it was a bit different this time because there was more audience participation, which I didn’t necessarily like too much, but didn’t mind it.
5) Nick, Abbey and I all spent the night at Geoffrey’s last night. We brought a bunch of food from my house and had a picnic in his kitchen, then went downstairs and watched some movies. We didn’t get to bed until 4 or so — me and Nick in Geo’s room, Abbey in his brother’s room and Geo in his sister’s room. Nick and I couldn’t sleep, so we stayed up talking until 6 or so until we finally drifted off.
6) Today, I slept basically the whole day since I had only a couple of hour’s worth of sleep. Nick came over around 8 and we watched Hairspray and just hung out. He has a new dog named Ginny who is so adorable and anorexic.
I am tired and flushed and a hypochondriac. Some things were left unsettled tonight, but I guess some things just can’t be talked to death. I am trying so hard to reform myself in some ways — to squash my jealousy and my moodiness; to be relaxed about more issues and to just accept the present as it is. I’m the type of person who must know what is going to happen every second, and when, so iffy futures do not breed well with my emotions. I almost can’t handle it, but since I love so deeply, I will. For him. Because he said he was the happiest he had ever been in his life. And because I’m afraid to be without him.
Not a particularly healthy last sentence there, but a truthful one. I’m just very confused and angsty, and feel way too teenagerish mulling over such things. Teenagerish or not, however, it’s important to me .. and trivial or not, it’s the most important thing in my life right now.
I could type forever, but don’t worry .. I won’t. I must go write bad poetry and hope that I wake tomorrow with an entirely different outlook on everything, and a positive attitude .. well, I guess I’m hoping to awake and discover that I’m an entirely different person.
So many issues, all connected to each other.
The quote is for you, Chjoey.
Sarcastic Little Turtles
I fell asleep in all my clothes last night on the couch after my little crying-self-searching evening. I woke up at 10, and was immediately bombarded by my mother, who was in a mad frenzy because my brother and his new girlfriend were coming to dinner that night. She wrote a long list on the chalkboard of what was to be cleaned, but I managed to delay my part in this by taking an extra-long shower. I also wanted to look nice to meet Marty’s new girlfriend — I’ve been through so many dinner-meetings with his girlfriends, but this one sounded surprisingly special, so I decided to dress a little nice, in tight little khaki pants and a delicate green tanktop.
This couture outfit (as Nick would call it) was, however, not ideal for cleaning, so while I sat on the bathroom floor, rubbing Tilex into the porcelain, my tight little khaki pants turned into tight little stained khaki pants.
The little cleaning party was cute. I introduced my mother to The Backstreet Boys, which seem to be an odd obsession for me lately. It is really odd because I normally detest little cleancut boy (or girl, for that matter) groups, but Nick listened to them so much, that I actually began to like them
My mother set this amazing china-silver-candlestick-satin table for dinner that night, which consisted of basically a Thanksgiving spread or something. Nick came over at 3, and was shocked at the fanciness of it. He originally thought he wouldn’t be able to attend our dinner due to a Show Choir meeting, but after seeing what a big deal it was gonna be, he opted to stay.
The The guests arrived at 5:30, and Nick and I immediately summed them up. Leslie, the girlfriend, seemed very tame and unlike Marty’s other girlfriends — she wasn’t glamorous or skanky .. she was pretty in a humble way. Her 10-year-old daughter, Stephanie, looked and acted like a younger version of me.
Dinner went well, despite the fact that my dogs were out-of-control crazy because Marty had brought his dog Jasper, which is the biggest dog I’ve ever seen in my life. You could’ve saddled this one. I could already tell I was going to like Leslie, but when she mentioned that she had been a theatre major at VCU, that sealed it. I loved her.
I took Nick home so he could go to Show Choir, and then Abbey and I decided to go to Wal-Mart to get her pictures developed. We decided to take Stephanie the Daughter along with us, who was thankfully very intelligent and sweet. I really don’t enjoy the company of younger children, so I was relieved to know that my possible future niece was cool.
We puttered around Wal-Mart for a while, waiting for the pictures to be developed. They came out really good, and I’ll be putting up more of them tomorrow. When I returned home, Nick was there, already finished with his Show Choir meeting. We talked with Marty and his possible-future-family for a little bit, and then retreated upstairs.
It is so cute because Nick and I had such a role reversal tonight. He got on my computer and stayed on it forever while I kinda just sat on the floor and de-shedded Tramp (one of my dogs). I finally knew how he felt when he had previously commented how he wished I would talk to him, instead of being on the computer. Abbey was on the bed, reading Cosmopolitan, so I went downstairs to watch Loveline. Nick came down a few minutes later, and we took some much-needed cuddling time.
I dropped him off — an hour after his curfew — with promises to meet up at 11:30 the next morning to prepare for my Senior Portrait Shoot, which I am a tad bit nervous about. I like people taking my pictures, but I am also incredibly self-conscious, so that makes a bad combination.
And here I sit, at 1:20 AM, listening to BSB and about to go to sleep because I want to actually be a little fresh-faced for the portraits tomorrow.
I’m getting so excited for Once Upon A Mattress auditions, which will henceforth be dubbed as OUAM ‘98, following the path of SOM ‘97 (Sound of Music).
Ta!
I had a good picture to put up here of Nick’s sister’s 8th grade graduation, but it scanned badly, so I’ll put it up later.
First of all, I must point you in the direction of Becky’s new WebJournal. She referred to Nick as Gatsby-ish, so I immediately love her even more. Any Gatsby reference will win me over.
Yesterday’s plan was to take Abbey to Regency Mall, which seems to be the mall of choice for avid shoppers, such as Abbey and Nick. We dropped by his around 2:00, but OF COURSE, since me and Nick cannot possibly do anything on time, we ended up hanging around his house for a bit, where I actually saw Nick iron a shirt. It was odd.
So, by 2:30 or so, we were off to the mall. Abbey fell asleep in the back seat, so she wasn’t awake to see Nick almost crash into the side of the road. Nick is an exceptional driver, but if he looks to the side for more than a couple of seconds, he totally loses his balance. It’s cute.
We reached the mall, and thankfully found a parking space under the awning, considering it was like 1336 degrees outside. Once inside, we of course immediately ate (Abbey will have to get accustomed to our tremendous appetites), and then hit the various stores. When we got inside Up Against The Wall, Nick and I got THE most perfect idea for homecoming. It shall be a surprise, but I will say, however, that it will be quite shocking.
We puttered around the mall for a couple of hours, where Abbey managed to buy some sunglasses. Then we went across the street to the shoe store, where Nick found these awesome 4-inch metal stiletto heels that I will most-likely-definitely get for homecoming, granted that I can find my balance in them.
Ohyeah .. when we were eating lunch, Nick actually ate a tomato. Such a big feat for him, considering the taste of a tomato is like the taste of death to him.
Once home, we rummaged around my room for a bit, and then decided to have a candlelight dinner in my kitchen.
Okay. Here is where it gets good.
First of all, all of you must understand that I laugh nervously. I think I’ve explained this before. Some people might get shaky or sweaty — I laugh. It’s an unfortunate reaction because most people think that I am laughing at them.
Anyway, as we were walking down the stairs, I asked Nick to pick up Bailey, my dog, because it was so cute when he did that. Well, Nick picked up Bailey, and started down the steps, but completely fell and crashed all the way downstairs and managed to put his foot through this wooden post on the corner of the steps and snap it in half (the post, not his foot). He actually was able to hold onto Bailey during this fiasco, but he scraped up his leg and arm really badly.
I died of laughter. I felt so horrible for laughing, but it just came naturally (hence nervous laugh). We cleaned up his cuts, but couldn’t salvage the wooden post he broke in half. He felt so bad for breaking it.
After that escapade, we finally managed to have a calm dinner, during which we decided to go see There’s Something About Mary at 9:30. We got cleaned up, and hit the movies at 9:30.
Okay. I don’t know what my problem is, but once I get around Nick, I (at least half the time) turn into the bitchiest girl in the entire world. I am so mean to him. I was thinking about this all last night. I’ve always had a temper, but I used to be very much in control of it, and would never even think of saying a mean word to anyone. When I met Nick, I learned his choice of girls were the very self-confident, very diva-type, something I was not. So, unconsciously, I transformed myself (over a long period of time) into this very pseudo-confident, very I’ll-go-off-on-you-in-a-second-if-you-say-something-I-don’t-like type of girl. A bitch. But this image that I unwittingly created backfired on me, and I ended up being bitchy to the one person I was trying to “impress”: Nick.
With that said, once we got into the movies, I made a very nasty comment to Nick, which he once again took in stride, though he was obviously upset. All the nasty comments I make to him, he just takes in, and doesn’t get angry with me. Grr .. I can’t really fully explain this right now. Later.
Anyway, so that sorta ruined the mood of the movie, but I managed to get it back by the end of it. The movie was cute, kinda good, but definitely not the “funniest movie in the world” as everyone had proclaimed it to be.
We dropped Nick off, and when Abbey went to sleep, I went downstairs and just totally burst into tears because I realized how horrible I had been treating everyone lately, and decided that I would make a conscious effort to change it. I would not have this relationship turn out bad. I love Nick way too much for that.
But, anyway, enough of this deep-soul-searching stuff. The day is still young and bright and fresh and my brother’s girlfriend is coming to dinner tonight. That should be interesting.
What a webpage-material day. These are the days WebJournals are made of.
As you know, today was the day Abbey was to arrive. I woke up at 9, and Nick called me at 9:30. Of course, we managed to stay on the phone until like 10:15, thus advancing our original departure time of 10:30 to 10:45. We cannot be on time. Actually, I’m very strict about being on time, and Nick’s laid-back about it, so we sort of balance each other out by being sorta-late.
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If I were male, I would be a small, wiry redheaded homosexual bitchy boy. Can’t you picture it? I would be one of those moody-as-hell boys and I would probably beat the shit out of everyone. For fun.
Not to get too personal or inappropriate, but I have the worst PMS mood swings that I could ever imagine any human being having. I’m terribly bitchy and overdramatic. I can’t even stand to be around myself, so I have no idea how Nick does it. He has patience, that’s why.
6 months today with us, by the way. BUT, as always .. if you want to be technical about it .. you could say we’ve been going out since last summer. There a lot of a reasons, however, that it’s not a good idea to get technical. 6 months is a good, even number.
Today was good, but I just have this seizure-inducing headache right now and an IV of the BitchPill, so everything I write will come off sounding like it was the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me.
The goal of today was to give blood, and then to go to Red Lobster for some crab legs, which I have been craving for the past two days. Well, as always, another over-sleeping catastrophe prevented the entire goal from being obtained. I had told Nick to call me at 11 AM last night, but I figured he would oversleep, and then this morning, my eyes opened at 12:36, without a call from Nick. I wasn’t mad for a change, though. I had expected us both to oversleep because our sleeping habits are so terribly unhealthy and we can’t do anything the way it’s supposed to be done.
So, I called him and his sister had to wake him up. It turns out that he had again not gone to sleep until like 9 AM that morning because he had been trying to download the 54 trailer. It was a sad, pathetically cute little story, but I dismissed it, and we made promises to meet up at 2:00. Not to give blood. Just to eat.
So, we ate, went to Books-A-Million, spent 50 hours there, went back to my house, watched some of Dirty Dancing, partially downloaded the 54 trailer and just played around.
There’s a summary for you. You didn’t really want all the details, did you? That just might be too much rambling for you.
Whoa, bitchy girl.
So, Abbey comes tomorrow and I have no money for gas or parking at the airport. Always a treat. Always. I’ll work it out. I’m glad she’s coming. Too bad I am too lazy to clean my fucking room! Damn my un-motivation. Just damn me in general.
I need to go to sleep so I can actually get up a decent time tomorrow.
“I’m a dark, cold female ..”
Abbey comes on Tuesday, if you haven’t been reminded enough. Things are gonna be a little different this year. For one thing, I’m in love for the first time (awww). It’s so cute because almost every summer she’s been here, she’s helped in hooking me up with some boy I’ve really liked. The summer before 8th grade it was J.W. Woody, who was the love of my middle school life. Summer before 9th, David Zobel enters the picture (surprised?). Summer before 10th was her off year, but the next year (which was last year), Clint was her accomplishment. This year, however, I am firmly “hooked up.” Also, this is the first year I’ve had my liscense that she’s been here, and that I’ve had a “later” curfew (woo-hoo), so we shall have lots and lots of good fun.
How many times have I mentioned that a day I had was “cute”? Well, if any other day I’ve had was cute, this beats them all. My parents and my aunt went to Washington for the day, so me and Nick decided to play a “let’s-pretend-we’re-married-day” at my house. I woke up around 6 AM, and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I sat downstairs and watched My So-Called Life episodes until Nick gave me a ring around 10:00. The poor child — who had gotten no sleep the night before because he had been attempting to download the 54 trailer — had just woken up. I picked him up at 11:30.
When we got back to my house, he made the TV dinner that he taken from his house to eat, and we watched everything on TV for like two hours. I was never a TV junkie before this summer. Seriously, the only thing I watched during the school year was the occasional X-Files episode, but that was it. This summer, however, I’ve memorized the damn commercials.
We then retreated upstairs where Nicky’s lack of sleep caught up with him and he fell asleep on my bed. I fiddled with my computer sounds for a bit (I am so obsessed with .wavs right now — feel free to send me some!), and then went to lie next to him, and fell asleep. We are both such lazy, sleepy children. Both Midnight People, definitely.
We woke up around 4:00, wherein I learned I was invited to dinner at his house because my parents were gone. We then went back downstairs, where we messed with the dogs a bit and then fell into the TV watching stance again.
I know the description of this sounds incredibly boring, but you have to understand the magnitude of the cuteness of it. We are usually doing stuff all over the place, but this was the first time in a while we had just taken an entire day to do absolutely nothing and just cuddle with each other. See? Absolute Cuteness.
My parents came home early — at 5. My mom and my aunt were feeling “crazy” yesterday and had bought these little blue summer dresses from Rave, and it was adorable.
I then got dressed (I had been in my sleeping-clothes all day) and went to Nick’s for dinner. Nick, his parents and I first got into this movie called Deliverance that we had begun yesterday. We then ate while we finished it. As we were cleaning dishes up, Kelly and Leigh Anna popped by, who are mutual friends of both me and Nick, though they’re more friends of Nick’s than mine. It’s funny because all the people I used to be such good friends with in middle school — like Leigh Anna — are all good friends with Nick now.
I don’t think Kelly likes me very much. We’ve known each other for years, and have always been on-and-off, though we had a particularly good “on” time sophomore year during the New York trip, and at Christine’s graduation party that same year. This year, however, she was one of Nick’s good friends, so I probably treated her like shit. It was my overly-excessive Bitchy Phase. Remember?
Anyway, we stood outside by Kelly’s new car and talked to them for a while, getting good gossip. After they left, Nick and I took Chester, his dog, for a while, and then returned to the house to watch Good Will Hunting, which I hadn’t especially liked the first time, but it was cute to sit in the living room with Nick and his parents and watch it. Nick’s family is such a MassageFamily, so Nick broke out the lotion (including this new Moonlight sparkly shit from Victoria’s Secret!), and gave me a wondermous leg massage. It was all in good taste, but I still felt a bit awkward in front of his parents, but they seemed to be fine.
The movie ended, and then Nick got me some ice cream (such an obsession for me!). I left around 12, with promises to meet at 12 the next day for our Blood Giving Episode, which I don’t know if I’m going to do or not. I was perfectly fine the first time, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be fine this time — I’m such a paranoid girl.
I’m randomly listening to Jewel. I haven’t listened to her in forever.
“They’re not lesbians — they’re tamales!”
Hmmm. Definitely a pattern emerging. When Nick is around, I update less. Figure it out for yourself.
The last couple of days have been sweetly fun. We watched Bullets Over Broadway, did a little shopping .. that type of stuff. As the weeks progress, I just keep getting lazier and lazier. That is, however, the definition of summer.
It is hot as hell in my room. I’m supposed to be cleaning it because Abbey gets here on Tuesday, but I am instead just sitting here in the tanktop I wore yesterday, boxers and mascara smudged underneath my eyes.
There is like this webpage war going on between a couple of people right now. A lot of people have asked me why I don’t use “frames” or anything modern with my webpage. In actuality, I hate frames. With my page, I go for more of a scrawly-homemade look .. you know? No modernization .. just me.
Oh! And for Leslie who asked how the Clint Dilemma was going .. well, it’s actually quite funny. He wrote this e-mail using a lot of big bad curse words to me and sarcasm, and I ignored it, but he persisted in sending stuff. You know what? His theme in life is: “I’m the most mature person in the world and everyone is lower than me.” Hmm .. he is, in actuality, one of the most immature people I have ever met. But enough about him. Onto the important people of the world.
Like .. Nick! It’s so cute because last year, we both wrote notes in school to each other every day, and both of us kept each other’s notes. Well, for the longest time, every time I would go in Nick’s room, I would pull out the box containing my notes and read them all. Last night, however, Nick pulled out my notebox and read his. So cute.
Whoa, pointless update. But not everything needs a point, right?
Next week is gonna be good! On Monday, Nicholas and I are giving blood. Tuesday, Abbey is coming. Sometime during that week, we’re going to the beach, and then Friday, we’re gonna go see The Rocky Horror Show (minus the “picture” because it’s a play) at the Barksdale.
My throat problems are back. Did I mention that?
Alright, enough. I’m gonna try to clean.
Okay, my favourite thing in the world is just to lie on my bed, next to Nicky, and us just sweetly talk to each other.
Awww. I know.
I didn’t do much during the day except sleep a whole lot. You know what? I read a lot of WebJournals, and one of the most common traits shared between the authors is that they sleep a lot. I think that’s kinda interesting. The only reason I sleep so much is that I’m such a Midnight Child.
But, anyway. So, I picked my lovely boy Nicholas at 8:00. We randomly puttered around his house for a bit before walking down to the end of his street to see the red melted on the light (see yesterday’s update). On the way there, who drove by but .. Carmen! This is the third time recently that I’ve dreamed about something, and then some element of it has come true. It’s kinda nifty .. and a bit eerie, too. It’s cute because she is still with the same boy that Nick and I sorta set her up with a couple of years ago .. well, not set her up, but we were with her when she met him.
Anyway, we walked down to the sign, and then went back to my house. I think my appetite is back! Aren’t you happy? I was. I randomly made pizza, and we sat curled up in my living room, watching such weird things as “Scrooged” and this new, odd TV show on MTV called, “Drop In” or something like that. We then went up to my room, where I checked my e-mail, while he lied on my bed. So cute. We do this all the time. It’s such a routine, but a comfortable one that I rely on in a strange sense.
We got really into reading my Creative Writing portfolio, and reading all the trillions of “thoughts” (for some reason, I hate the word “poems”). Nick is the first person I have actually felt comfortable enough showing my writing to. We then just proceeded then to talk and talk until he was an hour and half past his curfew. Let us pray that he is not grounded. That would not be a good thing at all.
I am in the best mood for no apparent reason. Everything just seems really good and right. You know that feeling?
I was thinking tonight how randomly cute high school is. Though I bitched and complained about it the entire year, there was some sweet moments that just stick in my mind. Like how Nick and I would write notes to each other every day and wait for each other after certain classes .. and just going up in the lunch line together .. all these cute little routines we had that I didn’t really appreciate until now. We’re high school sweethearts. We decided that tonight. Is that not cute?
Hmm .. other random bits of news. Oh! Thank you to Peggy for sending me the synopsis of the Real World that I missed last night. That was such a cute thing to do.
How many times have I said cute tonight? Will someone count for me?
Well, what do you know — 2:21 AM. I’m such a 2 AM girl. I know that means something. I should probably look it up, but alas .. some other time.
Nick is so cute. He just has this way of looking at me with his thick-lashed green eyes with such earnest sincerity, and it is so cute that I want to just fold him up and keep him in my pocket.
Still keeping track of my “cute” quotient?
Ohyeah! New favourite actress: Heather Graham. Ohmygod, I love, love, love her. She is so damn cute and a really good actress. I really think that she’s my female Ralph, or at least has the potential to be.
I know so many good, cute people. Nick, of course. Then Geoffrey. He’s making me all these cute .wav files right now in this scary southern accent. And then Sean, who is just so extraordinary cute for words, is talking about his “inner child” and goatees. I love them all.
Alright. To bed. My aunt is coming tomorrow, so I have to be up sorta bright and early to greet her. Then, me and Geo and Nick are doing something.
Goodnight, sweet dreams.
I’m out of my random Shakespeare mood.
For now.
And I’m teething. I think my wisdom teeth are coming in, or it could be the breakout of Strept Throat that I have yet AGAIN violating my gums.
But, anyway. These past few days have been pretty crazily random. I’ll just tell you about yesterday because the day before nothing really happened, except that me and Geoffrey camped out on my front lawn until 3:30 AM.
The goal yesterday was to go to Carytown to go shopping for Geoffrey, and to also make reservations to see “Rocky Horror Picture Show” again because Geo had free tickets. We were supposed to leave by 11:00, but neither Nick or I got up until 11:00, and Geoffrey didn’t get up until 11:30, so our roadtrip began promptly at noon.
My bitchiness was back. I was shocked. The entire time Nick was gone, I can honestly say that I didn’t have one mood swing, but the minute he came back, my random bitchiness cranked itself up. It has nothing to do with Nick, at least not directly. He doesn’t do anything to provoke me; he’s just his sweet, gorgeous model-self. So, as we drove to the bank in the van, I kinda scrunched myself in the corner of the seat, and did this dramatic-looking-out-the-window deal.
We went to this bank where the slogan was “Tobacco is Money,” and then we made our way to Carytown. Of course, we were all suddenly hungry, so we stopped off at this Chinese Buffet-type place which had very dim lighting and pink curtains, and had ourself a little buffet. I was really hungry, but the minute the food hit my stomach, I was feeling all sick again. What the hell? I think I have mono.
After lunch, we went to the Barksdale Theatre to make our reservations, but were told that RHPS didn’t perform on Tuesdays, so, disappointed, we scrounged the Comic Book Shop (I was looking for TeacherBoy stuff), and then went to Tower Records, where I suddenly got into this pseudo-slutty mood, and proceeded to do slutty dances with Nick and Geoffrey.
We stayed in there forever, looking at random magazines (one of them which had a wondermous article on Ralph in it!) and basically just playing around. I really wanted to go Border’s after that, so we travelled there, and spent two hours in there.
I read all the Real World books. I’m getting weirdly obsessed about RW, even though I accidentally missed it last night.
By the time we left Border’s, we realized that it was late and we were too tired to go to Carytown, so we went by Blockbuster and rented three movies: Nowhere (which is a movie Nicky has wanted to see for sooo long because it has Ryan Phillippe-Stevie-Ankiel in it), Kiss Me, Guido and Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.
We went back to Geoffrey’s house, and got on his computer, or rather Nick and Geoffrey got on his computer and I sorta half fell asleep on the couch. The boys were trying to download the trailer for 54, which also stars Ryan Phillippe, but it kept messing up weirdly. I then got really exhausted, and went into Geoffrey’s room, and fell asleep for real, where I had this odd dream that Carmen came back from college wearing a football jersey and told me that I looked good. Odd.
Again, we were all hungry, so we made trips to Friendly’s and Wendy’s, and then back to Geo’s house, where we ate while watching Jeopardy with his mother. We then retreated to the cellar, where we watched Kiss Me, Guido, and then popped in Nowhere.
Mood swing again. I went from bitchy to hyper and jumped all over everything. Nowhere began, and then Francisco called Geoffrey, so Geoffrey went to pick him up.
Nowhere is really weird and symbolic. I like it. I love Heather Graham. Love her.
Francisco and Geoffrey came back, and then there was this weird tension in the room (note: I am becoming TensionGirl or something), so after the movie, we piled into Geoffrey’s van, and went to drop everyone off.
We found this red piece of glass previously in Geoffrey’s cellar, and put it over the light that shines on the sign in my neighborhood, so everything looked Satanic. It was hilarious.
Nick and I randomly made out in the back of Geoffrey’s car. I’m only telling you this because it was so cute and so 7th-grade-ish.
I soon arrived home after that, where I actually fell asleep at a decent time! But I woke up late. Damn.
And now, it is 5:47 PM, and Nick and I are going to do something cute tonight, but I don’t know what.
Abbey comes on Tuesday. My crazy aunt comes tomorrow.
Well, choppy sentences today much?
“Yet this shall I ne’er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.”
Well. This is the first time I haven’t felt like updating in a while, but I really want to write about The Reunion yesterday since I bitched about the slowness of it’s coming for so long.
Originally, yesterday I didn’t have any plans because Geoffrey was working and I didn’t think Nick would be home until later. It turned out Geoffrey didn’t have to work, however, so I hopped in his van and we went to do a little more grocery shopping for his mom. All in the back of my mind I was thinking, “If this had been a couple of weeks ago, I would be at my house the entire day, waiting for Nick to come home.” But I wasn’t. So it was an interesting change.
Anyway. We bought our grocery things, and I had to drop off the milk I had gotten for my parents at my house, so we swung in that direction and then ended up sitting on my floor looking through a bunch of old pictures. A little while later, we heard a voice and then Jessica and Ryan appeared in my doorway. It was really cute because my dogs were going crazy and wouldn’t let Jessica up the stairs, so Geoffrey had to carry her.
They gathered around the computer, and we all talked for a bit. So much tension between the four of us. It’s like, we all know these little secrets about each other that the other person doesn’t know we know, and it just creates this tangible wall of tension.
Jessica had to go work, so we decided to go as well. I felt sort of bad because I think Ryan wanted to come with us, but me and Geoffrey just sorta raced out of the driveway and back to his house. He had forgotten to get water from the store, so we went back and of course, being us, it took us an hour and half to get it, in between visiting Megan at CVS and dining in the McDonald’s playground. We also randomly rented this movie called, “Evil Dead 2″ that Geoffrey assured me was very amusing.
Back at his house, we sat up in his room, and while watching the movie, addressed Graduation Thank You cards for him. The movie was so damn funny because it was a sorta spoof/sorta serious horror movie that was just crazy. After we finished the cards, we decided to go the post office to mail them, but then Geoffrey decided it was just as easy to mail him at his house, but he continued to drive.
Our intention was to see if Nick was home yet, and as we were driving down the road, a van that looked mysteriously like Nick’s passed us, and I made a comment about it, but we both decided it couldn’t be him. When we drove into my neighborhood, however, the van drove up behind us and started beeping the horn, so lo and behold .. it was Nick!
I jumped out of the car and into Nick’s arms. Immediately, the bad energy meshed between us. I could already tell it was gonna be a not-so-loveilicious reunion, and I know he could, too. We all went back to my house, and me and Geoffrey were just palin’ (that’s a good word) around like we had the entire week, and I know Nick was thinking, “Wuh, Geoffrey and Jennifer best friends now?”
So, the energy was kinda not good, and we went back to Geoffrey’s house, where it just escalated, and I decided the best thing to do was to get someplace where we could talk alone, so we left and went to the park in my neighborhood.
Okay. Here was the situation. Like I have said, before the separation, I was completely dependent on Nick. This was not healthy. It’s not healthy to be completely dependent on any person. In the time he was gone, I sort of gained my independence back, and realized that I could actually function on my own volition. So, in one word, I had changed. As Nick and I talked further, he revealed that he hadn’t changed at all, and while he knew things wouldn’t be the same, he wanted them to be. He was telling me all these wonderful things, like how every single thing reminded him of me and how he missed me so much and all this good, delicious stuff, and it was literally breaking my heart. I missed him so much, too. All of you can attest to that. But, in just the past couple of days, I had adjusted to life without him. Grr. There’s no way to say what I mean without coming off wrong. I don’t mean I had adjusted to life without him and didn’t want him BACK — I was so, sincerely happy he was home. SO happy. It just was a different happiness than he had. Does that sound right? Grr .. I don’t know.
Anyway, we talked for a long while, and then it was odd — but magically, everything just seemed to fall in place, and we both just clicked again. And then, in a sense, everything was back to the way it used to be.
Whew. After our intense discussion, we were hungry, of course, so we went to Wendy’s and ate in the parking lot. We then went back to my house where we just sat in the living room and talked some more. There was so much to catch up on. It was so nice to be able to lie against him again, and hear his voice reverberate through his chest.
I dropped him back home at 12, and then came back, where I of course stayed up until like 4 AM again. My sleeping habits are not healthy. Francisco called me at 10:15 AM or so to tell me that Geoffrey was on his way over. He had planned to come over on his way to work, so we sat on my bed and talked about stuff. He had to be at work at 11, but didn’t end up leaving until 11:20 when my mom reminded him that he had to be at work. It was so cute.
After he left, I talked to Nick online for a bit, and made plans to do something at 3. It’s so weird. I have to like re-adjust myself to NickHabits. Does that make sense?
I, of course, fell back asleep, and here I am at 2:05, probably needing to take a shower before I go anywhere, and that’s probably what I’ll do.
Welcome home, Nick.
“For sweetest things turn sourest by their deed;
Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds. ”
2:00 AM must mean something. For the past week, everytime I’ve stayed up extremely late and then looked at the clock, it’s always been 2 AM. One more hour and I could be a Matchbox 20 song.
Well. Remember how Megan and Erin called? At first, I was really planning on just telling them that we would get together another time because Geoffrey didn’t get off work until 9:30, and I was pretty sure they would have to be home early, but then I decided that was the old, antisocial me talking, so I went through with the plans.
I could’ve said all of that in just a couple of words. I don’t know why I didn’t. Find some symbolism in it.
So, at 8:00, I picked the girls up at the swimming pool. I really do like them a lot. Most upcoming freshman are kinda — well — upcoming freshman, but Meg and Erin are really cute and fun and remind me of me in middle school.
Ahh, the nostalgia.
We decided to go to Friendly’s and eat there until Geoffrey got off work. When we got there, an entire softball team was crowded around the hostess’s desk, so it was a long wait. We did manage to entertain ourselves, however, by performing various cheers and talking about our various love lives. Someone opened the ice cream freezer beside us, and the girls about had a heart attack because it was cold as hell (well, oxymoron?). It was really cute.
We finally got seated, and Geoffrey came to talk to us a bit before he had to go back to work. There was sorta that awkward silence between the girls and I that always ensues when people who don’t know each other that well are thrown into situations with each other. We began to talk about how we met Nick and Julia, however, and the ice was broken. Dinner was cute. Geoffrey came back a little while later, and told us to meet him at his house after we were done. The girls finished up their ice cream, and then we trekked our way to Geoffrey’s house.
Okay. You know how pathetically bad my sense of direction is? Well, I managed to get everywhere tonight by myself, only getting confused once. Believe me, that is an enormous feat for me.
But, anyway. So, we got to Geoffrey’s house, and OF COURSE, immediately migrated to his computer and birthed even more .wav files. Geoffrey made this one really scary sound for my “BuddyIn” that is him screaming, “Look at me!” It scares the crap out of me anytime anyone signs on. We did that until the girls had to be home at 11. We drove them, and then came back to Geoffrey’s where we decided to watch the rest of The Ice Storm, the movie I had begun watching the other night, but only had gotten partially through.
We watched that while playing with this cigarette holder his sister had bought. I swear, I get such a fixation on a object and I can’t put it down .. wow, that could be a really good metaphor for someone’s life. Not my life. But a life in a story or something. ::cough::
I love the movie. It is indeed random, but more of a symbolic random that flows.
So, we said our goodbyes, and here I sit, 2:15 AM .. hot as usual because my damn room is ALWAYS overheated .. a little sore throat-y .. a little tired .. and a little .. something. Hmm.
Goodnight, sweeties.
Okay, I’m becoming a bit infamous for my dreams. And now .. yet another one ..
Okay, so I was on a Biology field trip with the entire school. We were at this museum, and on a break or something and sitting in the little cafe part. I was sitting with Nick and he was wearing the exact outfit he has on in the swooning picture in yesterday’s update. We were talking over coffee when he suddenly told me that I had to leave and that I couldn’t go on the rest of the field trip with him. He then told me to meet him at the football game at 6:00 later that night. So, I got up with my coffee, feeling very jilted and confused, and left.
Then I was at the football game and everyone was crowded around the fence behind the Thomas Dale bleachers. It was a huge crowd and I was looking everywhere for Nick, and when I found him, he was with Amanda Tinnell and Larissa Slinkard, and he kinda just nodded to me, but didn’t come over to say anything. All these white limos suddenly started pulling up, and I realized that it was time for the halftime show, which was a little skit about what the next school year would be like. There was a big float with different people’s pictures on it from school, and the game was if your picture was on the float, you were allowed to participate in the skit. Well, Amanda, Larissa and Nick’s pictures were there, so they all jumped up on the float. I looked at the float, and there was a picture on it that could’ve possibly resembeled me, but I didn’t want to go to it if I wasn’t sure, so I just stayed in the background.
Wow. Catch the symbolism in that portion of the dream.
After the skit and everything, I ran home because I realized that Aramageddon (and NOT the movie!) was supposed to occur in a couple of hours. I was in Nick’s house, though it was supposed to be my home, in the computer room, counting the hours until Armageddon was supposed to occur. I called Nick and told him to meet me in exactly two hours, but he told me he would have to call me back. So I left the room for a bit, and when I came back, that girl who hung the phone up on me yesterday when I was talking to Stephanie (in real life), was on the computer, and I realized that they didn’t have two separate lines, and I wouldn’t be able to talk to Nick, so I ran out of the house. Just as I was doing this, the roof began to cave in, and I knew Armageddon was beginning.
I was running down the street when Jason rode by on a motercycle, and offered me to hop on. I did, and as we were driving by Jason’s house, Nick drove out of it in a much larger, much faster motercycle, so I left Jason and got on Nick’s. We drove and drove until we reached an ocean, where huge oceanliners and barges were lining the water. We saw a tornado racing towards us, so we jumped in the water and watched the tornado as it ripped various buildings and pieces of the sky to shreds.
Nick and I were separated at the point, but I didn’t seem to notice or something. I swam for what seemed like hours until I reached a big group of people in the water, and a man (who looked strangely like Deep Throat from “The X-Files”) with a captain’s hat on. He was holding a propeller and told us all that this would save our lives. All of a sudden, Kelly Stoker came out od the water and broke the propeller, thus robbing of us of our life savior. The captain was really mad, and the sky grew really dark ..
And that was it.
What the hell?
So, my mother and I are like having this Cold War. We haven’t really spoken at all since yesterday morning’s little incident. We just kinda slink by each other in the house without any words. She, however, keeps making these subtle little attempts to make me talk to her. Like she went out today and bought me cherry pie and picture frames.
I guess I’m not really bothered by her lack of compassion yesterday anymore, but I still wish she would apologize. She usually does by this point, after at least a couple of hours of silence on my part. But she hasn’t, so I will continue to feign sickness at dinner so I don’t have to talk to her.
Wow, it took me 20 minutes to write that last sentence because the phone rang twice. The first call was Meg and Erin, Nick’s sister’s friends as you recall, and they were so cute and told me that they were bored. So, I invited them to hang out with me and Geoffrey tonight. They really are cute, and I love them to death.
The next call was, coincidentally, Geoffrey and he was on his break from work. I felt like his wife or something, and he was the husband on a lunch break after a long day’s work calling his spouse. Anyway, so we cemented our plans for tonight, which aren’t really plans. He’s just gonna come by after work and we’ll have like a moonlit picnic or something equally as fun.
Now I really do want some cherry pie. I have the gross taste of burnt marshmallows in my mouth for some reason.
Hey .. Nick comes home tomorrow! I remember when his arrival seemed so far away, and here we are already. Yay!
What a stressful day. At least the morning was.
Okay, well, I didn’t fall asleep until 3:30, and in the few hours of sleep I did manage to catch, a horrible nightmare ensued, and at 5:45 AM, the phone rang.
For some odd reason, I had it right next to me. And it’s the new phone, too, which has the shrillest and most headache-inducing ring. I groggily answered it, and my “hello” was met with completely heartbreaking sobs.
I was confused for a moment because I didn’t know if I was still participating in my nightmare or if I was fully awake or what was going on, but after a few seconds, I realized the sobs belonged to Stephanie. I almost cried. Seriously.
She was very upset. Obviously. No need to go to into the reason, but I had never in my life heard her like that before. It was terrifying. That was all I could think about it. We talked for a long while, and she began to calm down a bit. I offered to come pick her up from where she was staying, but she refused, and then a girl that was staying with her — and partially the cause of her problem — walked in the room, and hung up the phone. Oh, it wasn’t completely rude. She did manage to spit out a “she’ll call you later” before slamming the phone down. That made me so angry, and so helpless because Stephanie was still very upset, and this girl (who was being mumbled underneath my breath as “bitch” at the moment) had cut me off from her. If I had been more coherent, I would’ve called Stephanie back, made sure she was alright, and then given that little girl a bit of a rumble. But, I wasn’t and so I didn’t.
I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t, so I went downstairs, and met my dad just as he was leaving for work. I turned on the news and tried to concentrate, but it was difficult. I was worried and confused and tired and all that type of stuff.
My mom walked down the stairs at that moment, and just by the way her feet slapped the wooden floors, I knew I was in for it. She works at night, and hadn’t come in until at least 3 that morning. She asked me who called, and I told her, and she made a nasty comment how I needed to tell Stephie that she better not call again that early. I told her quite bluntly that if I have a friend in trouble, I will do absolutely anything to help him/her, whether that meant talking to them at 5:45 in the morning or whatever. This didn’t take well with her, and she went on a screaming and swearing rampage, which is very extremely rare for her. She began to bring up random events that had bothered her throughout the school year, like how Nick would call me every morning before school started to see what time we were leaving for coffee. I just let her yell. My silence enraged her even more, and after a few more loud moments, she stomped upstairs, leaving me in somewhat of a numb shock.
Deep breaths. That’s all I needed.
I managed to watch the news until 7:30, wherein Stephanie called me again. Things seemed to be calming down on her end, so I told her to meet me at Geoffrey’s at 10:30. Geoffrey and I had plans to wash my car that day or something of that nature.
So, I reached Geoffrey’s and managed to bitch sufficiently about my morning. I then managed to forget most of it when we began to wash my car. We gave it a good washing, complete with Armourall and everything. We even cleaned out my trunk, where we found such odd things as my homecoming dress and a semi-existentialist play I wrote for Creative Writing.
It was noon by then, and Stephie still hadn’t come, so I paged her a few times. In between paging, Geoffrey and I watched this tape we had found in my car which was a random tape me and Nick had made. Some of it was from the car on the prom night, and then there was just this random scene of us talking in my car in his driveway at midnight. Odd, indeed. Stephie came over by that time, and she was still kinda a mess, and wanted to go home, so we all piled in her car and went to her house.
I’m so tired. Sorry if any of this is banal.
I guess the theme of today was VideoWatching or something, because when we got to her house, we popped in this tape that me and Stephie had made in 8th grade. It’s so cute to see us then. We thought we were so cool and funny and cute and all that. We very much looked and acted like the 13-year-olds we were.
We then picked up a pizza at Stephie’s mom’s work, and watched cartoons while we ate it. I really do hate cartoons. I never even watched them when I was younger. In fact, I dislike most childhood things for some reason. I had a wondermous childhood, so it’s not like I have bad memories from it or anything .. I don’t know what it is.
Anyway, Stephie was tired and upset, so she dropped us back at Geoffrey’s house. Geoffrey had to take a bunch of driftwood and seashells to this German woman’s house, so we piled it all in my trunk, and then dumped all the stuff on the woman’s porch. She lived by a lake, and even though it was a very muddy lake, it was sweet and peaceful. I would literally never leave the lake if I lived by one. I don’t understand my love for water when I can’t even swim in it.
We then went to the car wash place to vacuum out my car, and that was really fun. It was hot as hell outside, and there was this one shirtless guy beside us who had arm muscles bulging out of his skin, but he turned out to be like 40, which is not necessarily a bad age for me since I am OlderGuyGirl, but it wasn’t an attractive 40, except for the arm muscles.
After the car was sufficiently vacuumed and rid of all the odd hay shit that always seems to accumulate on the floormats, we made our way home. We first stopped by 7-11, were we managed to scrounge up enough change to get a slurpee. It was really cute because it reminded me of how Nick and I are always searching for loose change to buy a drink or food or something. So, we went in, Geoffrey in bare feet, and me in those stupid sunglasses that are too big for my face, and bought an Orange Mango slurpee, which turned out to be pretty good, but neither of us really wanted it.
So, I dropped Geoffrey off, and then returned to my house, where the silent treatment between my mother and I ensued. I accidentally fell asleep, and woke up to my dad like in my face telling me it was time for dinner. And when I didn’t get up right away, my mother made some random nasty comment under her breath, so I got up, ate, and them promptly came up here.
So, it is now 6:09 PM. Anyone want to entertain me for the evening? How about tomorrow, too? Geoffrey’s working tonight and all day tomorrow, and I’m lonely.
I’ll probably fall asleep, though.
This was definitely an “alas” day.
Random Vague Thought of The Day: do you ever experience a certain type of tension when you’re with a certain person — a good tension — and you know the other person feels it, too, but neither of you end up saying anything about it?
Just a thought.
The rain.
Oh, my God, the rain.
How can I put in words what it does to me? It is orgasmic. It is everything sweet; everything right I have ever known in a melange with everything dark; everything sacred I have ever known. I am simply in awe of it. It cleanses me. It makes me spiritual.
Sincere metaphors.
Of course, this reminds me of Nick. The rain was always our healer; our bond; our love in tangible form. He wrote about this once, a long time ago, if you recall.
Again, I am wide-awake at 2:30 AM, sitting with my knees up to my chest in my overheated room. And this boy that I talk a lot to on IM just asked me, “What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?”
And without thinking, I immediately typed “Nick.”
I was shocked at the immediacy of my response. But it’s true.
Oooo, I’m all gushy and corny right now. Nick gets in these moods sometimes where all he’ll tell me is how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, and how it was fate that we met. I love it when he gets in those moods. I guess I’m in that mood now. I miss him. A lot. He’ll be home soon, however. I hope it’s raining when he comes home. I want to be able to share that with him.
The boy I am talking to on IM right now — Chris — is wonderful. He knows what mood I’m in, and he’s letting me ramble on and on about Nick.
And now the rain has stopped. I wanted to go to sleep with it still falling, but I guess I’ll just have fall asleep to memories of Nick.
Oh my. That was very corny. But, alas .. tis the way I am.
“..because of the rain..”
Growl. Today has felt like really pointless. I really have honestly done nothing, and there is so much I need to be doing. Cleaning out my room would be a good thing for starters ’cause Abbey gets here in a couple of weeks, and there is just crap all over my room, with the exception of my computer desk which I cleaned out today because my chair kept rolling over paper and making a disgusting crackly noise. I also could be writing the Gatsby script (more about that project later), but I keep procrastinating on that as well! I should’ve called Ryan today; I should’ve been able to go out with Geoffrey tonight (the family dinner was quite lame); I should’ve done something besides listen to “Raspberry Swirl” over and over again; but you know what? I didn’t and that’s okay.
Stephie did come over for a little bit tonight. She’s spending the night at her boy Scott’s house, so she had to “pretend” to be spending the night at my house tonight. We had a cute little time, though nothing will ever be the same as it used to be. I guess we’re both just in completely different positions in our life right now, and have trouble understanding each other’s. That seems to be a really prominent theme in my life: understanding other people, and having them understand me. Let’s just hope Nick hasn’t changed drastically when he comes back. I want at least one person I can relate to.
Speaking of Nick, he arrives home in three short days, and I’m really excited! This past week, I’ve gotten used to him not being here, and haven’t really thought about his absence all that much, but when I realized it’s not long until he comes back, I started gettin’ a little anxious for his arrival. I wonder what our reunion will be like. I wonder how the relationships I’ve strengthened in his absence will fare with his return, especially my relationship with Geoffrey. Before he left, I saw Nick, and only Nick, 24-7. That was it. But now I’ve divided my time a bit, and there’s no way I can go back to Nick being my only companion (though there is nothing wrong with that, let me tell you!) .. so, we’ll see how that goes. It seems a couple of other friendships I thought I strengthened during this time are kinda on a standstill right now. It’s funny; both of the friendships are on hold because of something I put on my webpage. Hmm. Hopefully, that will all blow over, and we can all go back to being one, happy dysfunctional family!
I’m randomly sunburned. I haven’t been in the sun. I think it’s because of Geoffrey’s black light. Is that possible?
Argh. I will not get up late tomorrow. Anyone want to give me a wake-up call at 9 AM? I’d appreciate it. I have a new phone. It’s very high-tech and sleek, and makes me actually enjoy talking on the phone for once.
Okay. I think I’m gonna actually try to go to sleep early tonight. Or not. But I’ll try to get up early. I’m serious about the wake-up call, guys.
Nick is home on Sunday! Maybe earlier!
Yay!
“..trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin..”
Wow, there’s a lot of yellow today. I’m not in a carefree, wondermous mood, but I am in a pretty decently good mood. I’m just feeling particularly saucy today for no apparent reason.
I never got to tell you about my night last night. I was supposed to go to the movies with Geoffrey and Francisco, but I had absolutely no money and there was no way in hellatiousness that I was gonna let Geoffrey pay for me yet again. He pays for me so much, and I have no idea why I let him since I’m a strictly-pay-for-myself girl. I almost starve to death before I let Nick pay for me.
Anyway, so we decided to go to Blockbuster and rent some stuff instead. On the way there, we all three decided that we wanted ice cream (yay!), so we went by Friendly’s to get this new Orange Roll-ice-cream-cake-type-of-thing that Geoffrey recommended and to simultaneously visit Jessica, who worked there. When I walked in, there was a crowd of people around the hostess booth, and I realized I knew every single one of them. They were all from the youth group of the church I used to go to a long time ago, and I hadn’t been to that youth group in over two years, so I doubted any of them would remember me, so I kinda just slunked on by to greet Jessica.
There was this one boy in the crowd that I had had a kind of thing with a long time ago, though it wasn’t really thing, but more of a mutual sweet attraction. I hadn’t seen him in a year or so, and he had grown very tall. Well, I have this quirk about not saying hi to people I haven’t seen in a while because I’m afraid they won’t remember me, thus avoiding any embarrassment on my part. Apparently, however, the boy recognized me and took my silence as snobbery because as we were at the register paying for our new delicious Orange Cream Roll, he tapped me and then said with sort of a smirk, “That’s right. Just walk on by me. You don’t have to say hi,” and then went to his table.
Grrrrrrrrr. That frustrated me a bit, but I got over it.
So, after the little Friendly’s fiasco, we went into Blockbuster and rented Deconstructing Harry, The Ice Storm, and U-Turn. We went back to Geoffrey’s after that and broke out the Orange Cream Roll, which turned out to be like one of the most wondermous things either of us had ever tasted, so we broke out the camera and filmed it. It was so cute because we were all really hyper and jumping around all because of this Orange Cream Roll. You really did have to be there.
So, we retreated to Geoffrey’s cellar where we put in Deconstructing Harry, which I randomly got really into for some reason, and basically watched the entire movie in silence. It actually wasn’t that good, but it was original and very unique, so I appreciated it. After that we put in Ice Storm, which ended up being pretty good and very parallel to an incident in my life (how dramatic does that sound?), so I liked it a lot. We were playing with Geoffrey’s black light during this time, and it was really cool because I look like I have a seriously scary disease with all my freckles and stuff.
So, I drove home at 1 AM, and it was then I realized that it was the first time I had driven that distance by myself, that late at night. Not that there was anything monumental about it or anything, but it was odd because I usually have Nick with me, or Geoffrey is dropping me off. It was kinda lonely, in a very midnight-darkness sense. That reminds me .. I need to get my mixed tape back from Clint ..
I, of course, stayed up way into the night, and then again woke up horribly late to the phone ringing, and this time it was Stephanie, telling me about her delicious evening she had with her boy Scott.
I was supposed to go to dinner with Geoffrey, his mom and her German friend tonight, but my own mother decided to make another Family Night Dinner, which is okay with me, even though I would’ve liked to have eaten lobster with Geoffrey. But, alas .. tis the way things are.
Do you ever just want to shake someone really hard and yell, “Will you please just stop your defenses and actually listen to what I’m saying for once?”
We have really nothing good to eat in my house, so I’m surviving on Starbust popsicles.
Just a few random thoughts.
Okay.
I am just a little in a pissed-off mood, and I debated for a while whether to even give him the satisfaction of knowing he pissed me off, but, hey, I might as well.
And since he wants me to be direct and not “allude” to things (yet at the same time, he doesn’t like my new honesty policy), and I will just come right out in the open and say I’m talking about Clint.
It seems Clint got a little perturbed about what I wrote about honesty last night, so he wrote me a very long soap-box e-mail about the repercussions. I didn’t really mind that. It’s so typically Clint to do something like that, and it’s actually a kind of cute quirk he has. But as I read further, and then got to his second e-mail which took a somewhat condescending jab at a statement I made about the diversity of our school, the cute little quirk faded into just plain annoyance. I will be honest, and say that my first reaction to his letters was, “Where the hell does he get off telling me how I should run my webpage?” Then I let a few minutes pass, calmed myself down a bit, and my second thought made an appearance: “this boy is talking to me as if I am a child who can’t differentiate between right and wrong.” He has actually always treated me like I’m about two years old (with the exception of a few times), and even admitted once to feeling superior to me because he’s a whole year older than me, so I wasn’t bothered by this second thought.
So, I wrote back what I believed to be a very reasonable response with an admittedly bitchy edge to it. All I asked was for him to (and this is a quote) “to get off his practical fight-the-world syndrome and read my webpage for what it is: a record of someone’s life.” Well, this apparently, to him, was a battle cry or something, so he, of course, had to write back a very pseudo-mature letter full of “calm downs” and “you’re trying to pick a fight with mes” all over the place.
That is when I realized. This boy does not know me at all. Not at all. This his not his fault. Or maybe it is because he’s never seen me as anything more than a fairly intelligent girl who happens to be younger than him, therefore making me about 23478395 years less mature than him. This is bullshit. He has to know that. I think he does, and the weird thing is is that I see, and have always seen, through every single he act and defense he puts up with me. There have been times when I have just wanted to hug him and scream, “Just calm down. Relax. You can be yourself around me.”
But he can’t. For the same reason I can’t be myself around him. We both have these weird assumptions about each other that are completely false because we are both stuck in last summer, and haven’t accepted the fact that in that year since last summer, we have both changed. Tremendously.
Whoa. I got really off-track there. Anyway, so, he wrote me an e-mail; I got pissed off and wrote him back; he got pissed off and wrote me back; I wrote this little diatribe on my webpage, and now my anger has subsided. I should probably just erase this and forget it ever happened, but I won’t. Honesty, you know.
So, here is an open statement to Clint: I’m sorry I became bitchy, but we both know that each other gets riled up really easily, and things always end up like this. So, I think we should both just drop the acts we always pull with each other, and try to actually be real with each other. And I think we can do that, without one of us having to be drunk.
Don’t ask me why I care so much. I guess I have “faith in our friendship.” Hmm?
“So, kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you’ll wait for me. Hold me like you’ll never let me go .. ’cause I’m leaving a jet plane; don’t know when I’ll be back again .. oh, babe, I hate to go ..”
Yay! Nick might actually get to read my webpage tonight, so in honour of that event, here is a picture of him when he was about 7 or 8 years old and played soccer. So damn cute. He was and is just so damn cute.
Well, let me clear something up before I tell you about the quite interesting day I had: when I said honesty, I did not mean that if you’re a personal friend of mine, I’m going to plaster every secret you’ve ever told me on this page. I meant honesty within myself, not within you. A few people got a little riled up over this honesty thing, and just went to town with their misinterpretations. Please scroll down a bit and read what I said again. Then you will know the only “honesty” I meant was in relation to me, and only me. Okay? No reason to get all excited over nothing.
The theme of today was: Jennifer goes to the doctor! Okay, so I had to go to a little check-up today and Geoffrey offered to take me, so when he came to pick me up, Francisco was with him, too. I love Francisco and didn’t mind it all, but I thought it was kinda interesting how I was bringing two boys with me to the “female” doctor.
When we got there, I had no idea where to go to in the building, so I was wandering around really stupidly until a couple of nice women ushered me into the inner waiting room. I left Geoffrey and Francisco in the outer waiting room, expecting to be no longer than 20 minutes.
I had never been to this place before, so they had to ask me about 34540 odd questions like, “Do you have a stove in your house?” and “Do you get your water from a well?” I’m not sure of the relevance of these questions unless it was to make sure that I came from a decent home.
So, I went through this whole big form-filling process and that took about a half-hour. By that time, I was in the actual clinic portion, so the nurse talked to me in kind words, took my blood pressure and weight, and then promptly bluntly asked me if I had an eating disorder because I was a mere 5 pounds underweight. I told her no, that I eat enough for three very large people, and she seemed content with that answer. She then sat down and explained a bunch of things to me in this really kindergarten-teacher voice. I guess I seemed like I needed it because I get really quiet and unresponsive in the presence of strangers and I probably reacted as if I didn’t understand English.
After that part of the procedure was over, I had already been in the clinic for over an hour, and I felt bad because Geoffrey and Francisco were still in the waiting room, probably really bored. The doctor came in after that, and he was this fatally attractive older man, which seems so typical for a young teenage girl to go to the “female” doctor and then get a very good-looking boy. I mean man. Okay, I call everyone boys.
So, he just did more blood-pressure-breathing type things on me and then informed me that not only did I appear to have strept throat again, but that I was also breathing weird and had swollen glands. What the hell? But he said he wasn’t worried, but then added that I had “epuitehtiorgrgwrtho cells” (or something like that) in my blood, which meant bacteria, but I also shouldn’t worry about that. Apparently, I am close to death, but they won’t tell me.
So, then the little procedure got underway, and of course that went really screwy because I am not human or something, and all my organs are in weird places. It finished smoothly however, and I was ushered into a small room to take more blood.
The blood-taking technician was very nice and wore a Hawaiian shirt half-buttoned like Nick would, so I immediately liked him. He made a comment about how redheads have elusive veins, which I thought was kinda cute. So, my blood was taken and I found out my iron was low. Good God, I’m falling apart.
Finally, after two and half hours, I was done, and I greeted Geoffrey and Francisco in the waiting room after getting my stuff at the pharmacy. I couldn’t believe they had stayed that long waiting for me, but I appreciated it.
Geoffrey had to go grocery shopping for his mom, so we went to this Ukrops that I had never been to my in life, and had lunch there, and then went shopping. When they dropped me off, the phone rang, and it was Nick. We talked for so long. There apparently seem to be a lot of attractive boys in Wisconsin, but he caught them all on the tape he made for him. Then he mentioned that he has a lot of this pretty girl Catherine on the tape because he hung out with her the most, so of course my little jealous-girlfriend antennas went up, but I knew it was all good. I spent the night at my ex-boyfriend’s house for god sakes, so I think I can handle my boy just hanging out casually with another girl. He might be home early! How great is that? They’re randomly going white-water rafting in West Virginia before they come back.
So, I think I’m gonna go to the movies tonight with Geoffrey and Francisco, if I can find some money. I have a horrible headache, but I’ve already taken about 6 Advil, and I’m trying to cut back, but alas.
Well, tonight there just seems to be a plethora of updates. Scroll down. You’ll find about two more.
But I have an issue right now. Okay, so there is this boy, and he and I have been on-and-off friends since the 8th grade, but more off recently because we had this horribly torrid physical affair that ended pretty badly, and then I got a boyfriend and he couldn’t handle it, and then he got a girlfriend and I couldn’t handle it, but I’m completely past all of that, and have been for a while. I would love to remain friends with this boy. In fact, despite the dumb fights we get into all the time, we probably will.
Anyway, this boy has this really perverse sexual drive, and gets in a bad habit of IMing me and asking me to do really ludicrous things for him. Tonight, he wanted me to take nude pictures of him because he was in an “exhibition mood.” He IMs me with this crap a lot. Tonight was the first time in a while, though. So, anyway, the routine goes that I tell him “no” 468059 times, and belittle him, and yell at him (as much as you can yell through the internet). But this time, I took a different approach and told him he had absolutely no respect for the female gender because he wouldn’t be asking me to do such things and he wouldn’t be disrespecting his girlfriend by asking me.
He didn’t understand this, so he tried to play it off with the really obvious tactic of “I was just trying to get you riled up” or “I was just folding clothes the entire time I was saying anything.” Bull shit. I used to believe it when he would play the playing-it-off game, but now I just know the truth: he feels stupid that I say no to the inane questions he asks me, so he’s got to save his tender male ego. But, wait, here’s the even kickier thing: I told him I would put this all up on my webpage (since when did this page become a threatening device?), and then he suddenly got softer, afraid that the general public would know what an immature bastard he can be sometimes. So, then he tried to play this little game of “goodbye, we can never be friends again, it’s so sad” and I was just like Shut up, you little fucker, though I said that in much less harsh words.
So, the moral of this story is that I will still be friends with this boy tomorrow no matter what he does because I have this odd maternal feeling of responsibility towards him that I can’t explain, and he will still be friends with me because he has this odd connection with me that he won’t admit to. But maybe with tonight’s little interlude, he will realize that he only makes a fool out of himself when he continually asks me questions he knows I’ll say no to, and will stop asking them.
Or maybe he just won’t talk to me anymore because I put all of this up on my page. All I gotta say is that he picked a bad night to start this with me when I’m on my honesty kick.
I sound so hardcore, don’t I? It’s all pseudo, but I’m tryin’.
Oh, and send me lots of mail because I put this .wav Nick made for me as the Mail .wav, so everytime I get mail, I hear his voice.
Hopefully, this is goodnight for real.
Well, The Real World is randomly not on tonight. How ironic, since I made that big ol’ deal about this being the first episode I would be watching without Nick. It’s kinda disappointing because, since this has been such a slow day, watching RW was going to be the highlight of my day. Ohwell.
Well, today I was reading this girl Alley’s webpage, which is a WebJournal like mine. I got her address from www.rebekah.org, the originator for WebJournals, at least for me. Anyway, what I realized from reading some of the back archives of Alley’s webpage is that I have not been honest in the way I write this page. Yes, everything I have written has been the truth, but I have covered so much of what I’m really feeling with gilded metaphors and vague descriptions. I always resist using real names or specifics in my updates because a lot of people I know personally read this page, and I don’t want to a) get them pissed at me or b) have them get a wrong impression of me.
And the more I think about it, that’s just wrong. At least the b) part is. I’m sacrificing honesty for a supposed “image” I may uphold. Yeah, I describe everything as it happened, but I inject disclaimers all over the place as to not make me look like a “bad” or a “horrible” person. Well, I’m not bad or horrible, but I’m not perfect, either, and I think it’s about time I stop trying to manufacture this image of perfection through my webpage. Perfection is not interesting to read, nor is it interesting to write.
I originally began this webpage because I thought the idea of a WebJournal was awesome; sorta like a Real World for the internet. What I’ve gotten out of it is much more than that, though. It’s made me learn a lot about myself, and what my priorities are, and how I don’t necessarily agree with the order of my priorities.
So, what this little schpeel was intended for was to tell you that this page (which still doesn’t have a nickname, though Geoffrey and I plagued ourselves for hours last night trying to think of one), is going to have more of an honest flavour to it. I’m not gonna cover up my real feelings with disclaimers or pretty words; I’m just gonna try to take a more “tell it like it is.” I want to write this page for everyone, and not cater to a few certain people I know who read it, and I know I write a lot about. This is risky for me, because it’s honest. But, as always, I back up everything I say.
And I really don’t want to have to explain anything to anyone on my webpage again. I did that once, and it just seemed unnecessary. If you really don’t understand something on here, ask me nicely and I will probably tell you. But that’s it.
Okay. I feel better. I’m glad I got that out of the way. I just realized, though, that’s probably easier for Alley and www.rebekah.org to be a bit more honest in their ramblings because they are from New York, and go to schools a little more diverse than my modest little high school in Virginia. But, ohwell.
Where is RW? That’s all I gotta say.
I found a bunch of old pictures while I was attempting to clean out my closet today. This one is from the really odd birthday dinner I had in January. This picture is interesting for a number of reasons. For one thing, it was taken right after I dyed my hair for Cagebirds, and not many pictures exist with my hair that bloody crimson color. For another thing, Nick looks like he’s about 2 years old in it, and it’s really cute. This was before we were going out “officially,” though our technical going-outtage could probably be traced back as early as last summer. And the number one oddest thing about this picture that it is, I do believe, the only picture in which Jason and Nick co-exist together. That one night, for a brief moment, they were cordial to each other. It was only that night, however.
Anyway, today has just been a cleaning day, one of many I’m sure my mother will instill because Abbey and my Aunt Anne are coming to visit in the next couple of weeks. I woke up really late, regrettably, because I always feel like my day is completely wasted when I wake up beyond 10:00. All I’ve really done today is laundry (I swear I’m opening a laundromat when I’m older), partially clean out one of my closets, and putter about my room a bit. My hair looks really good today, which sucks because I haven’t seen anyone all day, so the goodness of it is going to go to waste.
Sorry for my miscalculation yesterday: The Real World is on tonight, so tonight will be the first RW I’ve watched without Nick. All in good spirits, though. I’ll just sit downstairs with a cup of coffee and my good hair, and watch it.
Okay, I meant to do this a while ago, but I want to share some good things Ralph said in the GQ article:
“…acting is much more the part of your brain you use playing a ball game. If someone hits a tennis ball to you, you don’t think … you go. There’s part of your brain that’s working very fast to get the ball back, and then the more relaxed and skilled you are, the more you start to place it … I don’t know; I’m not much of a tennis player.”
“I think being onstage is the purest, purest form for an actor.”
“My sense of beauty, if it’s about a person … the person one’s closest to is beautiful in a much more profound way than physical beauty.”
“It’s a funny word, beautiful. Once you start to use it too much, it sort of falls apart.”
That’s my Ralph.
I finally talked to Nick. He just called me, and the sound of his voice shocked me back into reality. I don’t know what I was trying to prove this weekend, or why my order of significance was thrown off so completely. It’s like, he leaves for a little bit, and I can’t function, so I go crazy. What is that about?
His voice has such a solace in it. Such a calming element that I am literally rendered speechless. I didn’t want him to stop talking. Every wound I re-opened this weekend, he gently closed. I don’t know how to describe what I’m talking about. I just think if Nick wasn’t around, I would end up destroying myself. And that’s not a dependency issue; it’s an issue of balance, and those are two completely different topics.
Maybe what I’m saying is that I am so absurd, abstract and out-there, and he is so level-headed and has direction, that I have begun to rely on his direction. It’s not just a matter of how to get to the mall or something anymore; it’s more of how to get to my life.
You see what this is doing to me? I’m becoming more and more metaphorical and not necessarily a good metaphorical, either. Or maybe I’m just making excuses for my sentimentality because I don’t want to appear “sappy” or “wistful.” Well, I am sappy. And I am wistful.
I think things are gonna be a lot different when he returns. Not a bad difference. I just think we’ve both grown up a bit during this separation. I think we’ve both seen what we need, and what we don’t and can finally weed out all the unnecessary elements.
At least I have.
Damn, damn, damn, DAMN IT. I swear right now, I am going absolutely crazy. Sometimes, I honestly think I’m emotionally unstable. All my emotions are on some out-of-control wooden roller coaster as we speak and it’s driving me absolutely crazy!!
But, anyway. How are you? I’m not bad, just a little weird. I think I have a cavity in one of my front teeth, and it hurts a lot.
So, anyway. After I last updated, I fell asleep instead of going to Geoffrey’s barbecue right away. When I woke up, I just had this need to call my Nick, so I did, and then I accidentally hung up on whoever answered the phone. Feeling really embarrassed, I called back again to discover that Nick wasn’t home, but he was expected in a half hour. I decided to wait an hour for him to call back, but he never managed to, so I left for Geoffrey’s barbecue.
When I got there, a bunch of slightly-drunk people were on his porch and they began to playfully harass me about where I parked my car. My nerves were shot by then, so I was happy when I spotted Geoffrey and Francisco. We kinda just hung out for a while. We played badmitten for a little bit, filmed some stuff, ate and played Guesstures, wherein I managed to accidentally throw all the cards over the side in the rain. I am so damn clumsy. I hate it.
It was nearing time for fireworks, so I called Clint to see if he wanted to join us, and a little while later, he and Stephanie showed up.
We all piled in Geoffrey’s van and headed to Dogwood Dell. I just love Geoffrey more than anything. He saw that I was feeling kinda down for a number of reasons, and he just held my hand, and didn’t let me get too upset.
Dogwood Dell was swarming with cars. We looked around forever for a place to park, and finally ended up parking on a random patch of grass. The ampitheatre was filled with people and had a band and singers and everything. It was really quite a fancy deal, and I loved it to death, even though it was crowded as hell.
We found a place to sit, and we kinda ended up pairing up. Geoffrey was my comfort for the night, so I cuddled with him, while Stephanie and Clint just continued their really odd relationship. Francisco sorta kept to himself.
The fireworks were beautiful. Much better than last year’s. My mind was just awry with a million different things. I didn’t feel right being without Nick, but I felt absolutely at home with Geoffrey. And then other things were bothering me. Just things I shouldn’t have been bothered by.
After the fireworks, we hung out for a bit waiting for the traffic to disperse, then got back in the car. I took the very last seat this time, and sorta crawled up into my little fetal position, while Tori played on the CD player. It was an oddly lonely time. It takes being around other people for me to realize how fortunate I am to be with Nick .. and how fortunate I am that he doesn’t have a typical guy mentality, which I have grown to hate more than anything.
I guess I was also just kinda thinking about how you can have one night, and think that the certain friendship changed forever in a positive way, but the next day, things are just back to normal, and feelings are the same. You know what I mean? It irks me. It makes me begin to think that the person I just thought I was so much like .. I’m completely different from . At least, I hope I am. Or maybe I used to be that way, but this year just changed me so much and I can’t ever relate to who I was at the beginning of this year. I know this is vague. I wish I could be more direct.
Anyway, we went back to Geoffrey’s house, and gathered around the pond for a bit. I wanted to climb the garage roof again, but it was slippery as hell, and I wasn’t gonna risk it. If Nick was there, of course I would’ve done it, but he wasn’t and I didn’t. Everyone else did, which was fine with me, and I know some of them thought I was just sitting by myself to draw attention to myself. But I wasn’t. I don’t like to swim. I don’t like slippery roofs. Enough said.
Clint left, and then we went back upstairs. I checked my phone messages, and of course Nick had called only a few minutes after I had left. This just made me burst into tears. And I mean burst. If there was anymore definition of the word burst, that was it. I guess just the random stress of the past two days broke at that point. Me and Stephie raced home, and I called him again, but he was at the next door neighbour’s house.
And here I am. 1:17 AM. Stephanie is asleep on my bed; Tori is playing on my stereo and I’m dizzy as hell for no apparent reason. Maybe my body thinks it’s still in last night. I don’t know what it thinks. I don’t know what I think. I don’t think I have a conscience or something. Yes, I do, but there is just some part of me that has absolutely no attachment to the reasoning or reality part of my brain, and just does whatever the hell it wants. Sometimes it takes over, but most of the time I keep it calm. I almost let it engulf me tonight. And that is what scares me.
I am talking in stupid metaphors. I’m just so off-balance, physically and mentally. It’s hard to keep an equality when your other half isn’t here. And I know it is difficult to comprehend missing someone as much as I miss Nick. But I think unless you’ve experienced real love, you can’t understand it. A few people can, like Sarah and Chris. But it’s very rare. And practicality has nothing to do with it. Perhaps, someday .. certain people will see that.
I’m so vague tonight, and I apologize. It’s just been so confusing tonight. I miss Nick so much, guys. And I think he’s honestly happy now. I’m glad. I didn’t want him to be lonely in Wisconsin. But there’s always that twinge of something you can’t describe ..
Enough. This has to be torture for you to read. I doubt I’ll be going to sleep at all tonight. I just feel that so much. Stephanie is still asleep, so I’ll probably just go downstairs, make coffee in one of the mugs that my mom got for me and Nick, and see what’s on TV. And mull. And be pensive. And all that deeply dramatic shit.
“The depth and strength of a human character are defined by its moral reserves. People reveal themselves completely only when they are thrown out of the customary conditions of their life, for only then do they have to fall back on their reserves.”
Okay, so it’s the 4th of July in the afternoon, and I figured I better update now instead of later on because I think it’s gonna be a long night. Where did I leave off?
Ohyes .. so, we had a cute time at Applebee’s, but Stephie had to be home at 2:00, so I went with her back to her house, with promises to meet Geoffrey back at this house later on. We hung out at her house for a while, and then she offered to show me how to get to Clint’s house because it’s been so long since I’ve been there, and I have the direction of a broken compass. When we got to his house, we decided just to talk to him about the forthcoming evening. We got our information, and then went back to Geoffrey’s house.
Okay, so, I absolutely love Geoffrey’s computer. It has a huge screen, and it’s really fast. The three of us messed around on his computer until Stephanie had to leave. Geoffrey took me a home a little while later.
So, I got home, and made some ice cream because I was suddenly missing Nick a lot, and ice cream is like a comfort to me. Stephanie called in the middle of my consumption to see if I wanted to go over to her house for a little bit before I went over to Clint’s. I did, but we got bored really quickly, so we ended up going to McDonald’s where I got Honey Mustard sauce in honour of Nick. When we were done eating, it was time to go over to Clint’s.
Okay. Again, the question of what’s appropriate to put here has come up again. Actually, I think I can put all this because it’s not actually that inappropriate, just a little out-of-character for me.
First of all, you must understand that I am not in the whole “let’s drink a whole lot and see if we can get drunk” scene. Not at all, in fact. But I think there just comes a time in everyone’s life where they just want to experiment, you know?
So, the plan for the night was that I was gonna spend the night at Clint’s house (all in a friendly fashion, mind you) and he was gonna have a very small pre 4th-of-July type of party.
So, Stephanie and I got there, and immediately we went by Winn-Dixie to get mixes for the drinks. Once we got those, we went back to Clint’s house, and he made the drinks, and then Sean came over. We all sat around the pool for a while, and then the three of them decided to do a little cute moonlight skinny-dipping. As I have perpetually stated before, I can’t swim — and I also really don’t like to be naked, so I just kinda hung on the side of the pool, before getting in the shallow end.
Stephanie and Clint were off in their own little worlds, so Sean and I had good intellectual theatre theatre talks for a while. Then he joined them, and I fell into one of those deep-pensive type of moods where I was wistfully staring at the moon, thinking Nick was looking at the same moon I was in Wisconsin.
Terribly Victorian, isn’t it?
Everyone got out after a while, and I went into the bathroom with Stephie to change into un-wet clothes. I guess the little bit of drink I had consumed already had gotten to more than I thought because I completely fell and broke Clint’s shower curtain. I don’t have any balance in real life. You could imagine my balance then.
So, I changed into pajama-type clothes, and we all went into Clint’s room and listened to this awesome Robert Miles CD he had. Stephie and Clint really didn’t drink that much, but I was just so cool (sarcasm), so I had to drink more than anybody else. Actually, I think Sean had as much as I did, but I’m not sure. Stephie and Clint talked, and then Sean and I just sort of babbled. Then I guess my body got a bit angry at me, and decided enough was enough, and I ended up throwing up in Clint’s white-tiled bathroom. Someone started wiping my face for me with a wet washcloth, and I thought it was Sean, but I realized a few minutes later that it was Clint, and that was sort of embarrassing. Having someone watch you throw up isn’t really a fun event.
Stephanie had to leave at 1, and I think Clint was a bit apprehensive because he had Sean and me to deal with. We all talked in Clint’s room for a while, and then around 2, Sean went to sleep in the next room. Clint and I ended up talking for about two hours straight, and it was the most we had ever talked in our lives, even while we were going out. Honestly, he has always intimidated me a bit, but I guess the alcohol loosened me up a lot because I was able to say anything to him.
I finally fell asleep in his parent’s bedroom, and woke up to his 19-year-old cat Spook sitting on my head. That was around 10 in the morning. I sat up, and I was still majorly out of balance, and feeling grossly sick, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to appear whiny. I took a shower, and then the three of us watched cartoons until I went home at 12.
Okay. What did I learn from this little night? Well, while I was drinking, I felt really sick and gross and off-balance. But I will be honest and say that it wasn’t a horrible experience. I do not, however, plan to become a compulsive drinker or anything of the sort, for a number of reasons.
Errr. I know Nick is gonna read this and be like “what the hell?” But at least he should know that he was about the only thing I talked about the entire night.
This afternoon has been fun so far. I was supposed to take Nick’s sister’s friends out to lunch, but neither of them ended up being able to go, so me, Geoffrey, Jessica, Stephie and Francisco all got subs from Subway, and had a cute little picnic in the graveyard. I’m gonna go over to Geoffrey’s for a barbecue in a few minutes, and then we’re all gonna go to Dogwood Dell for fireworks.
Oh, I do miss my Nick. Not in that debhilitating, non-functioning way I missed him the first day, but more of a sweet, eager missing. There are so many things I want to tell him. Alas .. only 8 more days. I know he’s not gonna be happy about my little experience last night. I wish he had been there with me.
Alas, my turmoils.
I randomly have no appetite anymore. As you recall, I usually eat a lot due to my great metabolism. Lately, however, I hardly eat anything .. and no, my non-eating habits aren’t induced by Nick’s departure, because it started before he left. Ohwell.
Today, Geoffrey and I had plans to go out to lunch, and then have a cute little car washing part. He came over around 12, and just as he was pulling up, so was Stephanie, who had apparently decided to randomly drop by. I invited her to go to lunch with us, so me, Geoffrey, Stephanie and Jessica (Ryan’s girlfriend) all ended up at Applebee’s.
It was a really cute time. Ryan is gone for a while, too, so Jessica and I grieved together. It had been a long time since I had just gone out to lunch with a group of friends, and it was a nice feeling. We had a really good time, and our waitress was the woman who looked like Fiona Apple.
And you know what? I am so tired, and I want to take a nap before I go over to Clint’s house, so I’ll update this tomorrow .. I love you all.
Well, I awoke in much better spirits this morning. Aren’t you glad? I know I am. Usually (and admit it, you’re like this, too) I kinda like being in a depressed mood because I can light candles, listen to sad music and write bad poetry, but this time I just wanted to get out of that bad blue funk as fast as possible. I intended to wake up at 8:30 so I could go jogging (not that I’m a jogger — I just wanted to implement some exercise plan this summer), but I woke up at 12 instead. Ohwell. Jogging tomorrow.
My mom and I had these big shopping plans today, so we left for the mall by 1:30. I had three goals: to get new underwear-type stuff from Victoria’s Secret, khaki shorts that actually fit me (unlike the ones I have now where the waist like hangs to my knees) and sandals. All of this was achieved, and I was very proud of myself because, like I said before, I am a very wary shopper, and try to avoid it all costs.
We went to the new dollar store after that because my mom wanted to get some cute little things to put in my Aunt Anne’s (who’s coming the 17th) and Abbey’s (who’s coming the 21st) welcoming baskets. Well, my mom just went crazy. I think it was her first time being in a dollar store or something because she was just having the time of her life in there, and got excited about everything she was buying. It was so cute!
When I got home, I immediately ripped the cover off the GQ magazine, and framed Ralph in my new dollar store frame. I haven’t hung it yet, though. I want to actually be able to walk across my room without tripping over something before I began to decorate anything. Actually, it wouldn’t matter if the floor was spotless, I would trip over something. I’m just clumsy like that.
After that, I intended to call Stephanie and see if she wanted to do something, but I fell asleep. At 8:00, I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing, and I must have been in a deep sleep because usually the sound of the phone completely strikes me out of sleepy oblivion, but this time I was groggy and slow, and by the time I got to the phone, it had stopped ringing. When I looked at the Caller ID, however, it said “Look, John,” and I about screamed because that was Nick calling from Wisconsin. So, of course, I immediately tried to call him back, but I misdialed the number at least three times, so I finally wrote it on my hand in lipstick to keep it straight.
His grandmother answered the phone and seemed a bit drunk and a bit “what-the-hell-ish” as she went to get Nick. He came to the phone, and it was so nice to hear his voice. I guess that’s sort of what “absence makes the heart grow fonder” means .. I would never have been that happy or relieved to hear his voice before because I was so used to it, you know? But once a routine is broken, and it becomes less common .. well, anyway, the point is that this absence is only going to make us stronger, and I knew it.
I felt so terrible for him because all the other kids had brought their girlfriends/boyfriends/friends, and he had absolutely no one to talk to. He was really wanting not to be there, but he didn’t sound too depressed, just a little on the “butyeah” side. We talked for 30 minutes, and I probably ran up a really big bill, but I felt so Real World-ish. But, alas .. we both had to go, and so we left, with promises to talk later.
And here I am, at 10:51 PM, just finished reading the new Christopher Pike book that I got yesterday. It was kinda bad for him — sort of like an X-Files rip-off, but alas, it’s all good. Tomorrow, Geoffrey and I are gonna have a cute little afternoon and wash our cars and stuff, and then later on, I think Clint and I are gonna have a little party. It should be cute.
Only 10 more days .. but you know what? I have a feeling it’s not gonna be a horrible experience after all.