Well, here we are, kids .. the end of a very tumultuous, confusing year and ready to start yet another one. My “year in review” will be up tomorrow — or shall I be corny and say “next year?”
As of this afternoon, I have no plans for New Year’s Eve. Last year, Nick treated me to a wondermous showing of Chicago and fabulous after-show snack at Applebee’s. This year, we’re a little clueless as to what to do. Geoffrey is having a party, but there will be a bunch of people we don’t want to rub proverbial elbows with, so we’ll probably show up in the midnight hours when hopefully the creepies of the party will be gone.
Where have I left off? I’m in a fast-paced, kinda jumpy mood right now — I’m actually really sick (surprised?) with varying degrees of strept throat and mono and all sorts of yummy diseases. I am, however, surviving as well as any one redheaded sick girl can.
Damn me and my faulty memory. I can remember the name and e-mail address of every single person I’ve ever met, but can’t remember what I did two days ago.
Tuesday, the 29th — I don’t think I did much. Just regular house-puttering and then Nick came over after work. Just normal stuff, nothing of public interest.
I was so set on not sitting in my house yesterday, so I made lunch plans with Nicky and shopping plans with Geoffrey. Nick and I dined at Peking, where all the customers were whispering about the power outages. Another ice storm is supposed to hit this weekend, so hopefully that means school will be cancelled another week! Even at almost-18-years old, I still get giddy over the fact of a cancelled school day.
I dropped Nick at work, and then met up with Geoffrey around 3. He had decided his main desire in life was a wardrobe by Structure, so I again conquered the interstate and drove us to a mall far away. We were in there for what felt like hours, and Geoffrey, who is the epitome of the impulse buyer, bought thousands of clothes. After a quick dinner and a long search for my car in the parking lot, we found ourselves at our separate homes.
And here I am, rushed and ready to conquer the world, but will probably just have to settle for laundry or something. I guess we’re going out to eat tonight, which is fine with me because food always makes a party to me!
Alright, long updates, reflections on the past year and just plain better stuff tomorrow.
Happy New Year — kisses.
I know I write in blue a lot.
But, believe me, there is a reason.
You know, the most intense, poignant moments of my life never make it up here — and that’s on purpose, I think. Though this webpage is for me, as well as you, I just think blasting the most intimate moments in my life somehow dilutes them in a way which is detrimental to the real-life parties involved — because isn’t it so easy to treat everything I write as a fictional story and the people, just characters? I sometimes have to remember what I’m writing about actually happened.
Anyway, yes, a poignant moment happened tonight, but I won’t share.
Let’s see .. the afternoon of the 28th was interesting. Marty, my brother, called and announced that the ice on the roads had cleared enough for him to come over, so we could finally have Christmas with them. Them, as I’ve explained before, is Leslie — his fiancee — and Stephanie, her ten-year-old daughter.
I think I’ve delineated my feelings on Leslie and Stephanie, but I’ll reiterate. I personally love Leslie — she’s the first intelligent, non-bimbo type of girl Marty has dated. Also, she was in VCU’s theatre program and that gives her triple points. Plus, she’s just sweet and sincere and humble and all that good stuff. Stephanie, as I’ve said, is the carbon copy of me when I was ten years old. She’s a precocious little redhead and I love her as well. My parents and brother love her because they can cling to a little version of me since I’m almost all “grown up” now. My mother and brother just hover over her when she’s around and though it would seem that I should feel jealous of the attention she receives, I’m actually grateful not to be hovered over for once.
Odd, I know.
So, they came over and we all exchanged gifts. It was then decided we would all go to lunch at Lonestar, so we threw on our coats and left.
I must seem like such a snotty bitch to Leslie and them. As usual, I became unresponsive and quiet around them because I can’t be normal around people I don’t know extremely well. Also, there was some other element involved — it was like I had to appear sophisticated and mature, so I came off like a bitch.
After lunch, I treated everyone to coffee at Nick’s place of work. I ran into his sister while we were there and while the rest of the family wandered around the mall, Julia and I bonded.
By the end of our little mall excursion, everyone was cranky, so after a quick stop at Walgreen’s, we went home and then parted ways.
Nick came over after work and then we went to Red Lobster and had a cute dinner.
Does it seem like we eat excessively? Well, we do. I’m not sure how we both keep our girlish figures.
We returned home, cuddled and then said our goodbyes.
And yes, for the first time this season, I missed The X-Files. It was, however, a re-run, so I didn’t mind too much.
Yesterday (again, yesterday was only 53 minutes ago), was another kickback day. I watched Singin’ in the Rain for a second time, and I do believe it’s going to become yet another week-long obsession for me. I love Gene Kelly. Any boy that can dance like that immediately has my heart in his hand.
Hmm. Gross imagery, if taken in the literal sense.
I went over to Nick’s around 7:30 and we just sorta hung out.
Enter intense, poignant moments here.
And here I am, listening to Tori Amos for the first time in a while and enjoying it. I went through a short phase recently where I was beginning to hate angsty female singers. But, I think I’m out of it.
Only three days left of 1998.
Do you ever just feel like, “What the hell?”
That’s how this whole year has felt like to me. It went by so fast .. but, alas .. time only slows down in the worst moments.
Goodnight, and much love.
You know what love is?
Love is being able to have a debate, in which both parties disagree vehemently, and still have a good kiss goodnight.
At least, for tonight, that’s my definition.
Well, it’s not just that, of course. But do I really want to go into my full encompassment of love at this early in the morning? Let me tell you, however — love is more than common interests or eerie similarities or cutesy nicknames or doors being held open; it’s sharing the same soul, not the same personality.
I’m in a good mood. A bit abstract, but definitely good.
Christmas evening was interesting. Originally, Nick and I had planned to see a movie, but once we got to my house, we found ourselves so overwhelmingly hungry that the movie had to be postponed. So, we climbed in my little green car and for an hour — how embarrassing! — rode around Chester and Colonial Heights until we finally realized that nothing was open. Yes, people were actually spending time at home with their families on Christmas.
Oddly, I have always considered Christmas a sacred holiday to be spent at home doing special holiday things with the family, which is probably why I felt completely wrong as we picked up ice cream, Ramen noodles and chips at the 7-11 for our dinner.
A different type of Christmas, yes — both of our families were in a bit of turmoil, so it was good enough. We returned to my house and had a completely normal night for us — the television, some food and some cuddling on the sofa.
But it was so nice. It truly was.
Yesterday (I feel wrong writing that when yesterday was an hour and forty-seven minutes ago), I woke late once again and did my usual puttering around the house. For no reason, I made my mother breakfast and burned myself in the process.
Then, while trying to scrub my bathroom floor, I slammed my head into the sharp corner of the sink and literally saw stars for at least an hour afterwards. I didn’t, of course, bruise at all — I’m so strange like that! Everywhere else on my body can be barely touched and I’ll turn purple and blue in two seconds, but my face never bruises .. I got hit in the head with a damn baseball bat when I was 11 and didn’t even turn slightly blue.
Nick and I spoke at 5:30 and he invited me to a belated Christmas dinner at his house. The dinner was lovely, as always — his family is so artistic and gourmet-ish and everything they produce is wonderful. We had soup, coffee and dessert, and after randomly re-organizing Nick’s room, the two of us decided to go see Shakespeare in Love at Westhampton.
It was unfortunate that for the first hour of the movie, I was completely not in a “movie mood.” I was restless and talkative, and kept whispering in Nick’s ear. Consequently, I hated the first hour, but during the second hour, it grew on me. It’s very clever and funny and not at all what I thought it was going to be. That also may be why I was a little irked by it at first — also, I’m not a fan of Gwyneth Paltrow whatsoever, but I managed to tolerate her, though I’m sure another actress could’ve played the part better. All in all, it was a cute movie that I’ll have to see again to appreciate — it gives a very interesting twist on Romeo and Juliet.
Joseph Fiennes was, of course, gorgeous and great.
It’s funny because Westhampton only has two movie screens and both were playing something with our old friend JoJo Fiennes — Shakespeare and Elizabeth (I am still obsessed with that movie AND that woman, by the way).
The ride home was cute — we stopped at Taco Bell because, as always, we were starving and just had good conversation. Everything was just so .. normal and I loved it. When we reached his house, we discovered my car — which had been left at his house — was frozen and iced over, so Nick scraped the ice off for me, which I found terribly romantic.
And here I sit, fingers cold and a bit tired. I’ve been sleeping downstairs for the past couple of days because my room has just been so cold.
I found my March, April, May and June archives, so I’m going to put those up. Also, look for new 101 facts and additions to The Cast in the next couple of days. Hopefully, my scanner will be fixed soon and I can put up delicious new pictures.
Goodnight, sleep well and be thankful for artificial light (I’m still recovering from the power outage)!
Well. It certainly has been a fun-packed last couple of days, as most who live in my area know already. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. to all — nothing is going on in my house as we speak. My father is trying to cook a turkey that has sat in our oven for three days now, and my mother is glued to the weather channel. I’m eating a raisin bagel and drinking water, and listening to Christmas music.
But, alas, no stalling! Back to our story, which was left off on Tuesday …
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Alright, well, I’m beginning to develop some sort of routine that’s a little comforting and just a little bit disturbing at the same time. Every day after school now, I come home, sleep until 6, make/eat some sort of dinner, fiddle around online and then watch various TV programs. I only have two “regular” TV shows that I watch, and that’s The X-Files and Ally McBeal.
This all is sad to me because, in essence, I am only doing this to pass time. It’s like when I come home from school, I just dread the 9 hours or so in front of me that I have to deal with until I go to sleep. I honestly have nothing to do — well, there’s things I guess I could be doing, but the point is — I just waste time until I can begin a new day and then waste more time.
This does not sound like a healthy way to spend a life. Alas! and I used to be so spontaneous! Remember the infamous trip to DC in my junior year (for all those unbeknownst of this, I just randomly decided to not go to school one October morning and go to DC with Nick instead)? And what about all the Diva Days, as Nick and I used to call them, and the fabulous nights on the “town” (use of quotations denotes that Chester can’t really be called a town — it’s more like a small village or something of that sort)? But — I guess we had more time then. And we were younger, though a year ago isn’t really that long ago, but in terms of maturity — it might as well have been ten years ago.
I just feel so very contained and boring now. I used to be satisfied with a quiet night alone in my house, but now — it only makes me restless. But where is the time? And where are the resources? And where did my sparkling (hmm .. well, compared to now) personality and penchant for laughing go? I’m so serious and stressed all the time and when I am laughing, so rarely is it sincere.
I am a worn-out and burn-out almost-18-year-old. How sad! Shouldn’t I be doing exciting things in short skirts and curled hair, with exciting people at age 18? Or is that only in movies?
Probably only in movies.
Let’s hit the issue of physical attractiveness next, just because I want to.
I think I have finally accepted the fact that, in general, some people find you attractive and others don’t. That’s true for the entire population, of the entire world, but somehow, we find that so difficult to accept. I know I do — did something happen today to make me think of this? Well, sort of. But, not really. I just figure that the people that count find me attractive.
Well, not all the people that count because I don’t find myself particularly attractive. Okay, well, every once in a while — how rarely, though. Sometimes, my hair will have a good sheen to it or my eyes will be vibrantly green or my hips will look not-so-big in my dark denim jeans and I’ll be satisfied. And then something will throw me off, and I’ll be plunged into that oh-so-cold dark well of self-scrutiny — is my hair falling right? Is my mascara smudged? Oh, my cheeks ARE pudgy.
Heh.
It’s all a matter of moods and energies, on any given day.
Let’s attack the subject of female friendships next. I have trouble with those, and I don’t know why. A lot of females say that they get along best with males, but I truly, truly do. Maybe it’s the idea that with a flip of a Herbal Essence-d head, we can manipulate them, or maybe we just prefer males because we know they aren’t competition (well, SOME boys aren’t, depending on their preferences) — or maybe, it’s a chemical thing.
The basic fact of it is, however, is that I am uncomfortable around the female gender. I have one close female friend, and she lives in Europe. Other than that, none — and I so want that closeness that only girls have. I was watching girls open presents from each other today and I thought how sweet their reactions were. But, I just can’t seem to do it — and who knows why? It’s a recent thing, too, because for a long while, my best friend here was female and we got along just fine and I was able to hug her without cringing. I’ve slowly regressed, however.
Mysteries and scandals.
Alright. Let’s try this one. What defines the typical “guy” or “girl”? A typical guy, in my dictionary is one who isn’t very picky about the women he chooses, at least in the artificial sense (i.e. on television and magazines and such), is fairly sexist, thrives on at least one type of sports, enjoys get-togethers with the guys, and so many other details that I don’t have the strength to mention.
I thought that boys, though the “typical” version of them is abundant, didn’t always have to be the “typical” guy. And in a complete sense, they don’t.
But I have come to the conclusion that in some base, foundational aspect, all boys are the same.
And it sucks.
I think I’m done.
As for my day, it was uneventful. Really. This week is also going to be uneventful, despite being Christmas. On Wednesday, I’m taking Nick to a special surprise place, but that’s about it. Otherwise, Christmas will pass as uneventfully as it always does at my house.
I think I’ve inherited my mother’s dislike for holidays, and I’m not liking that trait. But I would rather be anywhere than my house on Christmas, just because it will be boring.
And I am so goshdarn tired of being bored.
Alas!
Well, here we are, once again, on a Sunday, which seems to be my only day of truly “chilling” the entire week. If you can believe it, I just haven’t been in an online mood in a while — shocking, I know. Things have been so weird this week. I’m listening to a Christmas CD, trying desperately to plunge myself into the Christmas spirit (which seems to have been my elusive goal this entire month), but alas — I’m still kind of out of the loop. Who knows what magical charm I need?
These past few days defy words. Not that anything extraordinary happened, but they just don’t fit into my usual adjectives of “cute” or “tame” or “wild.” They were just .. there. I left off Thursday, which was the night of Nick’s Christmas concert.
It was actually a nice night — I went with my parents and it was crowded as hell, but we sat in the center front (unfortunately, the orchestra director was in my direct line of vision for a while). The concert consisted of elementary, middle and high school choirs and it was all very serene and cute. I especially enjoyed the elementary school choirs because of just that damned cliche fresh-faced innocence. Not to sound like the angsty teen I am, but I just wish those kids didn’t have to grow up — just looking at them now and then thinking that in three years or so, they would go through teenage hell is a sad thought. But it’s life, correct?
Nick’s part was, as always, excellent. There’s pure dance in that boy and he shows up everyone on stage — people behind me who didn’t even know him were commenting on his star appeal.
Afterwards, we went out for ice cream. I do so love that type of perfection — a cold night, a Banana Split and Nicky. Yum!
Friday night was another performance of his concert and since I am such a groupie of his, of course I went. Unfortunately, my illness smacked me in the face again and I ended up sleeping and almost missing the entire thing. I had intended to just go by myself, but luckily Geoffrey (who has mono) showed up and we sat in the back row, enjoying the show, but almost falling out because of our various sicknesses.
The show was even better than the night before. I met up with Nick afterwards and we chilled at my house.
Yesterday was definitely a day to record — nothing in my personal life or anything, but just all the things going on in the world. Politics and current events have always fascinated me, so yesterday I was glued to CNN.
I’m not sure how I feel about the impeachment. Well, yes I do. I believe it’s a waste of time, but after hearing Clinton’s completely insincere speech yesterday, it makes me wonder if he realizes the importance of what’s happening to him — he seems a little numb to everything. It’s all just so overwhelming .. but, alas. I’m not in the mood to write about it right now.
Nick finally had a Saturday night off, so we went to Carytown to try to do some Christmas shopping. We bought some things and ate a lot, and then rented Armageddon to watch at my house.
Unfortunately, my VCR ate the tape.
Then we ordered a movie from Pay-per-view.
It didn’t come on.
Obviously, something was trying to tell us something, but we didn’t know what — though I think we discovered later.
Can I make a general statement to the world?
General statement: please, please, please do not waste your time on arguments or materialistic stupid little things. Time is so, so precious, especially with people you love and nothing is accomplished by bickering or pouting. If you love someone and you’re with them, touch them. Hold them. Just love them.
End of general statement.
Today, I woke up early and felt like shopping.
So I did.
I felt like cleaning, so I did.
And now here I sit, still listening to Christmas music, feeling a little hungry and a little full of love. You know, Christmas songs have the prettiest lyrics out of any type of song.
“O, Holy Night” is my favourite Christmas song, in case you were wondering. That is about the only song that can bring me to tears.
I think if I was religious these songs — this holiday in general — would touch me so much more than it does now. I almost wish I did have that type of faith.
Alas. I guess I shall go make lunch.
Have I mentioned how much I love Nick?
I’m sure I have. The poor boy is overworked and overstressed and needs prayers.
Ta ..
I’m watching CNN right now, getting my daily dose of frightening reality. This is so sad — the screen is filled with nothing but a live picture from Baghdad, where everyone is holding their breath(s), waiting for the Americans to drop their cruise missiles. This is so, so .. wrong, somehow. They’re talking about the families who are going about business as usual and showing signs of “apathy” because they have come to the realization that there’s “nothing they can do about it.” Families. People. Giving up.
That — resignation — is possibly the saddest thing to exist in the world.
It’s sick to even have this on television — like a publicized execution. People are going to be desensitized to war and the horror of it because the news is treating it like a movie; another television sitcom in which the ending just happens to be unhappy.
Of course, I’m watching it.
But it’s sad. And it hurts to know I’m a part of it, in my own indirect American way.
War will always be a part of society — we can’t function as a civilization without it. Glamourized war, however, is not a necessity.
Just think — these people are in their houses, preparing to celebrate Rammadan or whatever holiday they choose — and we are about to destroy them. Destroy them with a flick of the wrist.
That is so inhuman to me. And yet, so human at the same time.
Enough.
The past few days have been boring and not worth mentioning. I’ve been in a blue funk, or perhaps it was more than that .. who knows? I haven’t done any homework at all this week. I had a major paper in English that I just didn’t write.
Today was fairly horrible, at least in the materialistic sense. I was supposed to go to the Holiday Orchestra/Chorus Concert last night, but of course I slept through it and consequently, slept through doing my homework. I had a history test on the Civil War, about 30 physics problems and that damn, elusive English paper due today, and I did none of it.
It was, however, raining hard and that was one of the only saving graces of the day. I love driving in the rain. I’m not sure what’s so comforting about it, but it relaxes and contains me.
So, I was a mess this morning, but was helped a bit by the fact that Mr. Cook decided not to give us the test today — sometimes, I love people so much I just want to physically wrestle with them. I went to the library during that period to try to write my paper, but to no avail — I had no concentration.
In physics, we did a bunch of crap I didn’t understand, but I did learn I would have a B on the interim tomorrow, so I’m very happy about that.
During my aide period, I went on a writing spree. I wrote like twenty pages of just stuff — good stuff, too, and I was surprised. I was like purging myself into poems and stories and it felt good. It numbed me in a strange way, too, and as Nick met me after that period, I couldn’t even talk to him because I was so out of it.
In English, my teacher made some snide comment under his breath about me not doing my paper and I almost fell out. Fortunately, Stacey — one of the sweetest people in the world — made me feel better and I managed not to completely start sobbing.
Why was I so upset? Stress, mostly, and then some other stuff that was resolved this afternoon.
But, I ate, and I was fine, and survived English.
The controversy of the day at school was that our new principal — this creepy Southern woman — is restricting almost everything at the school. It’s like a Communist society or something, but I shall go into that later, when I can give that topic it’s full attention.
So, here I am, watching CNN. This weekend is shaping up — Nick’s Show Choir show is tomorrow and Friday, and then “Shakespeare in Love” with the newly-found and newly-loved Joseph Fiennes on Friday after the show. Shopping and more movies on Saturday.
You know, I have the feeling that people think I use my webpage as a cowardly cover — sweeties, I never put anything on my webpage that I couldn’t — or wouldn’t — say to that person’s face. It’s kinda a rule I go by when deciding what to put on my page. So, if you want to run and tell the person what I put on here, that’s fine — just know that you’re not “getting me in trouble” or anything. I’ll be happy to back up anything I say on here, in person,at any time.
But, alas .. I’m so tired. Time to sleep, I think.
I keep looking at the Nightscope picture on CNN and mistaking the trees for bomb clouds.
Someone want to write a poem about that?
Geoffrey comes home tonight, and ..
.. I love you, Nicky!
.. oh my God, they’re bombing now — it’s so fucking sad. SO SAD — it’s like fireworks, but there’s defintely no independence being celebrated. How scared everyone must be — it scares me just trying to imagine it.
It’s become a pattern for me to do nothing on Sundays, even when I have very important things I could be doing.
Ohwell. Life goes on.
I’ve been in the Christmas mood today — I rebirthed my childhood tradition of organizing the presents under the tree; I’ve been listening to Christmas music; I even watched a made-for-TV Christmas movie on Lifetime.
So .. sad in a vague holiday way.
I miss Nick, but what’s new? I did end up going Christmas shopping last night. For once, I was completely in the mood for it and if you happened to pass me, I might actually have been smiling. I almost even picked up an application to work at Bath and Body Works, but I soon came to my senses because I would never be able to work there — an overload of fragrance and colour would not do me well. I got a few things and then stopped to see Nick on my way out. He again made me an excellent Mocha Cream.
I think the only reason I was in such a good mood was because of the rain, which always has some type of healing effect on me. I could hardly see the roads as I was driving, but I loved it and wished it was snow. There’s just something so surreal about driving in the rain — it deserves good background music.
I was listening to Nick’s Patti LuPone tape, which was good enough.
Anyway, except for our brief meeting last night, Nick and I haven’t talked all weekend. I hate that — I hate going through one day without telling him that I love him.
Anyway, X-Files is on in 15 minutes and like I think I’ve mentioned before, I have yet to miss an episode this season.
Only someone great could accomplish that, yes?
Goodnight, Merry Christmas and may everyone in the world be safe.
Right?
I miss my scanner. I don’t know what’s wrong with it, and haven’t even begun to attempt to fix it, so the rest of this week will consist of old-school pictures like the one to your immediate left.
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This is not an update. I have returned from seeing Sunset Boulevard, and the full details of my absurd night will be up later today.
I’m just in a writing mood.
But I don’t know what to say!
I’m sick of psycho-analyzing myself, which could be a very detrimental feeling because, in essence, this entire website is a constant psycho-analysis of myself — the delineation of my randomness.
I’m not wanting to show my weaknesses to the world anymore. I’ve given up on trying to explain myself to the masses, and to myself.
Is the future of DR teetering on the cliff of non-existence?
I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just another phase — and Lord knows, I go through about a million of those a week.
I’m just not feeling particularly open anymore. Something has been gradually changing inside me for the past month or so — a subtle revelation feeding on my nerves. I feel different. I am different.
But don’t I always say that?
It’s always true, I think.
I’m feeling disconnected from the world — for real, this time — and kind of liking it, though there are those pangs of nostalgia when I realize this discombobulation means I can’t bond with my loved ones the way I once did.
Or maybe .. I can finally begin?
I made a good point to Nick tonight. Whenever I feel like I am completely at ease and acting like myself, he says I’m acting weird.
Interesting case study, right?
I’m tired. My shoulders hurt like hell, and I’m going to sleep.
Whatever the future of DR, there will be details of Sunset tomorrow. OH, but there will be.
Goodnight ..
yes, you guessed it
That’s right, loves, yes — I will be seeing my most cherished, most revered musical tomorrow night in the illustrious showroom of the Landmark Theatre at 8:00 PM. I can’t wait! My excitement level is at an all time high and I will be literally “floating in midair” * all day tomorrow!
(*vague SB reference).
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“We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is.” M.V. on life
diva
Don’t you love it when you pick exactly the right music for your mood? It’s always frustrating to me when I think I want to listen to a particular CD, and when I put it in, it doesn’t match my mood at all. Tonight, however, I just happened to put in an oldschool Annie Lennox CD, and it was completely perfect — things like this make me happy.
let it all go by
I’ve been sitting here for fifteen minutes, trying to formulate exactly what I want to say. I just have so many thoughts scrambling around in my head today, and I’m sure it’s impossible to make them verbally coherent. But I shall try!
Alright, well, I’m oversensitive. Let’s start with that. Honestly, it is difficult for me to shake anything off, even if it’s a comment or an action made by someone who has no importance whatsoever in my life. It’s like any little jab, however subtle or attempting-to-be-nice it is, destroys me for a little bit.
But, I am also the type of person who has hubris — a tragic flaw of pride. I can never let anyone know they hurt me, so I usually cover it up with something “tough” sounding or some flimsy joke. Or sometimes, if an action has been particularly harsh to me, I pretend to not care at all — I become cold and numb.
So, why is it a surprise to me that some people — those who have been the worst predators — view me as uncompassionate and mean? Good Lord, I am that, in the most insincere of ways — because I never mean it when I’m like that. Everytime I put up that defense, I am ripping myself apart inside ..
.. which brings me to the comments of the day that made me feel not so good. I usually put nothing of the sort up here because at all costs, I will not admit to weakness, but alas. There are these two boys — oh, let’s call them Jason and Scott. They are always making some casual comment to me, whether it’s about a particular tight shirt I’m wearing that day or a particular facet of my personality they either like or dislike. I used to be good friends with both of them, especially Jason — I was “one of the boys.” But, now .. things are so different .. I’m not “one of the boys” anymore and I’m not friends with them; things have changed, I have changed and I’m sure they have changed, too. Apparently, however, they refuse to acknowledge these changes and continue to treat me as if things are as they always used to be.
Their comments bother me. A lot. I never say anything, however, because it’s usually just not worth the effort. Today, however, I was just sick of being called “psychotic” and “crazy” by boys who, in the same breath, make some lewd middle-schoolish comment about my breasts. So, I went off on them, coming off even more stupid-sounding because I was so angry that my speech was disjointed.
And then I felt even worse because I had made this silent pact with myself to control my temper and to forgive people. I couldn’t do it this time.
I then realized why Jason can’t accept the fact that I have changed completely since we were friends — around him, I still act the same. And I’m sure around me, he acts the same, therefore neither of us can recognize the changes in each other. So, the cycle (which ceased for a while) continues of us bickering at each other like it was two years ago when we would walk to each other’s houses and hang out at the pool. I just think it is impossible for us to have a friendship, but beyond that, there would be no way in hell I would want to.
My point?
God, I don’t know. That’s why I was worried about this coming off all jumbly and non-sensical.
I just think I need to concentrate on the people who matter in my life — six months from now, the people who have “scarred” me won’t even exist physically in my life. I have loyalty to so few people and perhaps that is because I am extremely distrustful and specific — but it is these people I need to embrace .. and those who will have no effect on my future.
But it is just so hard. So hard.
Blah. This is all gibberish and I’m sure it came out as incoherent as I thought it would be, but ohwell.
I just wish I could love everyone — and in the rawest of essences, I do. I couldn’t believe in what I believe in, and not love everyone.
But that’s so deep inside of me that sometimes it’s hard to get to.
Alas — out of the ash I rise, right?
Enough!
i need to leave the smoke
Otherwise, my day was fine. I felt a little out of it today — like I was walking beside myself, instead of inside me.
I did well on my history test and also my sociology test, so I was happy about that. Creative Writing, as always, was fun and entertaining. I cannot stress enough my love for that class — there’s just this certain sense of family that permeates the class and it’s something that is so often missing from me. It’s another world, in a way, because there are people in that class I may not necessarily find appealing outside of it, but inside of it — everyone is all good to me.
Lord. I am so non-functional today.
Shakespeare was cute and casual. Nick hates that class so much but I love it because he’s in there :).
Lunch was .. well .. like sitting at a 6th grade lunch table. People were throwing food, belching and making dumb jokes. Sometimes it’s entertaining, in the most primitive of senses, but today it was just irritating. Alas — perhaps this is how it’s supposed to be.
and in conclusion ..
I don’t have a lot to do tonight — just retype my Shakespeare paper and then sleep! I must, of course, remind you all of the fact that Sunset Boulevard will be viewed by me on Friday — I can’t wait! It will be a monumental event.
Until we meet again ..
noel
Well, I think I am finally in the Christmas spirit, though my spirit now could never even hope to emulate the spirits of Christmases past. I used to be completely and insanely giddy about this season — but, I guess, that’s a pattern for all kids .. I just wish it hadn’t been a pattern for me.
I do believe, however, that I am semi-spirited now. I just finished decorating our Christmas tree (real this year!) and completely revamping the front porch which, God love her, my mother had so gallantly and unsuccessfully attempted to decorate. I think it looks pretty good — it’s kinda that traditional-meets-disco type of look that we all love and cherish.
If only it were cold! I’m sitting here with shorts on, my window open and my fan at full-blast — that’s so wrong. My only Christmas wish is that the weather Gods would “let it snow.”
country eatin’
This morning was entirely adorable, as so many events in my life are. Since Nick and I had not seen each other at all yesterday, we decided to go out to breakfast before he had to work. So, he picked me up in the new Mazda and we enjoyed a wonderfully greasy breakfast at Cracker Barrel. I introduced him to grits, which was a food he had never encountered before, and one I had grown up with due to my very rich Southern background.
He found no use for them, however.
We talked and ate, and then ushered him off to work.
clausterphobia
Today I had decided I was ready to begin my Christmas shopping. In general, I really dislike to shop and avoid it at all costs. But I was apparently in the mood today.
On the way to the mall, I almost hit a biker on the side of the road and I immediately felt guilty. When I walked into Books-A-Million, that same biker happened to be there and I felt the incessant need to apologize, but I didn’t.
He was very attractive. And very intelligent — he bought the entire Washington Post, which is honestly about three pounds heavy. He was also very sweet and wished the cashier “happy holidays” as he tucked his helmet under his arm and walked off into the steamy, 80 degree weather.
People like that intrigue the hell out of me. I have an overcurious nature (i.e. I’m the type of person that if you start a sentence and then stop it, I will nag you annoyingly until you tell me what you were going to say).
Anyway, after my run-in with the mystery biker, I headed over the mall and was thankful to find that it was not crowded at all. Still, my clausterphobia hit and I bought a few things quickly. I visited Nick at work, and he made me a delicious Mocha Cream before I went home.
We were supposed to go to the Illumination tonight, but we decided against it. It wouldn’t be the same, anyway, because of this damn weather.
there will be a blizzard yet, Erica M.
I apologize for the lack of excitement in my webpage as of late. I think I’m in a winter slump or something of the kind. Sunset Boulevard on Friday — now that will be something to write about!
I have two tests and quiz to take tomorrow. It’s only 7ish, but it feels like 11.
My energy is off-kilter lately and I can’t mesh with anyone. I’m sure there’s some explanation for that.
Ta!
Did today even happen?
I think I literally slept the day away. I was supposed to take the SATs this morning, but I “overslept” because I really had no desire to go when I didn’t need to take them. So, I slept. And slept. And woke up. And slept. And now I feel like shit. My eyes are swollen causing the muscles in my head to contract, causing me to feel like shit.
Ohwell — tomorrow is another day to sleep and feel gross.
Not much has occurred. Nick and I finally got to spend some time together on Thursday, which I was grateful for. It was one of our old routines that I miss so much — just cuddling on my bed, talking for hours. That really is therapeutic.
Friday, nothing. I went to Friendly’s with Stephanie and Melissa and felt completely out of place. I just don’t want to go back to a friendship with Stephanie, even a casual one. It’s not where I am anymore. Not at all.
I saw Nick’s Show Choir performance in Ukrop’s last night and it was cute as hell. Afterwards, we went to see Elizabeth at Westhampton, and he loved it as much as I did, but surprised me by choosing Ralph over Joseph.
The big worry issues lately are college and the future. I wish everything could stay just as it is right now. I am in a constant state of unrest thinking about what’s going to happen in the past few months. I want everything to work out.
I’m not in the best mood to be writing this. I need to go back to bed and sleep off this random sickness I keep acquiring.
I miss Nick. He works so much lately.
Goodnight ..
It’s ridiculous for me to be updating right now because I have just finished four hours’ worth of homework and I am practically trembling that I am so exhausted. The trembling also, of course, comes from the fact that I entirely not feeling well, but I must persevere on my with life and not allow mere illness to get the best of me.
I think I have a heart murmur now. How quaint!
The day passed swiftly, as always. My poor Nick is so busy that he is wearing himself thin, and I miss seeing him. However, the old adage — “absence makes the heart grow fonder” — is put to good use in this case because when do see each other, we are abound with mushiness, even more than before. I love it, and love the boy himself.
My physics test was just plain yuck. I did bad on it and felt completely lazy because if I had just taken the time to read the chapter, I would’ve done fine — unprepared, as usual. I did, however, conquer the most difficult problem on the test and felt rather proud of myself.
My aide period was funny because John told this story of how when he was little he would act up at the dentist so badly that his mom bought plastic handcuffs and attached him to the chair. I was crying. It was funny.
English made me so angry because we had to take yet another dumb guinea pig test for the county which was so incredibly easy that I didn’t even bother reading the problems. It was my first time filling in random bubbles, but alas — not a care in the world!
Lunch gives me the creeps now because all we talk about is sex at the table. Or rather, Scott and Jason do since they are the kings of the Sexual Innuendo. Most of the time it’s funny but there are times like today in which I am just in the mood to sit and eat my bland, crusty chicken sandwich. But, of course, they reeled me into the conversation, and once again, I was discusssing penis size over lunch. Alas!
My heart is like going crazy over here. I think I’m dying or something to the equivalent of it.
I saw Nick briefly after school, and then he was ushered off into another long-day’s work. Once home, I slept, as usual, ate dinner and then began my homework.
Caffeine has never affected me before, but perhaps it’s just starting tonight. Damn it. I thought I was immune to all drugs.
I have to go to sleep now. This pale/gaunt girl needs to catch any beauty sleep she can, even that term even exists in her world anymore.
I must thank Geoffrey for dispelling my worries about my forthcoming heart problem. He always knows what to say!
Goodnight!
bits
I cannot believe it is December. Did this entire year go by unusually quick for anyone else? I swear to you, and I know I’ve said this a million times, but I remember so vividly what I was doing at this time last year — which is odd, because I think most memories that are a year old come in vague clouds, but no — December last year could’ve been last month for the way I perceive it.
I do love this month, but I wish the weather would take a reality check — 70 degrees does not equal a white Christmas. Alas, for it to be the winter of my 9th grade year where we were snowed in for a month .. now that was winter!
Ohwell .. I hope all of you have a Happy December .. who knows what this month has in store for us!
bad to the bone
So, last night I was in a great, relaxed mood because I had absolutely no homework or anything to worry about! How grand was that? I figured I would have a good night’s sleep and wake up all refreshed to enjoy yet another long day in the halls of high school.
However, as I woke at 5:30 this morning (an hour before I usually do), I found my stomach in such an unrest that it decided to purge itself of it’s troubles. Several times. In a row. I couldn’t even get dressed without almost falling over.
Sick! I knew it was coming, but I figured it would pass in a subtle wave, but alas .. no. So, I called Nicky this morning to tell him I wouldn’t be coming to school, and it turned out he was as sick as I was and also not attending. Our minds and our physical spirit seem to be on such the same wavelength, unfortunately in this case.
I went back to sleep and woke up at 1, feeling completely useless and angry with myself for not going to school. Argh! Ohwell .. hopefully, I will have no more sick days like this .. for once in my entire high school career, I hate missing days of school .. imagine that!
pieces
This whole day has been kind of a sham. I talked to Nick online for like hours, and then went running because I felt lazy as hell. I haven’t eaten like anything in two days, so running made me even more sick. It’s so funny — I look completely gaunt and corpse-ish .. my face is pale; I have the axiomatic dark circles under my eyes and my bones are like sticking through my skin from lack of nourishment. Well, not really, but you get the picture. Fortunately, the wonder of make-up should make me look like I’m at least half-alive tomorrow.
This weekend should be cute .. I’m going to take Nick to see Elizabeth on Friday so he can share my obsession with it. I am enthralled with Cate Blanchett and Joseph Fiennes, but I don’t want to admit the latter because I feel like I’m letting my Ralph down.
Saturday is SATs, for the third time .. yuck. Sunday, however, is the Grand Illumination at Williamsburg! Nick and I have only been yearning to go to this damn thing since May .. I went last year with his family, and it was soooo nice .. I remember wearing this awful jacket and scarf, and making loud comments about the carolers with Nick and having everyone around us tell us to shut up.
Let’s see .. nothing else of note. I’m happy, if you wanted a mood check, which I’m sure you did. No big homework things tonight, except for a physics test tomorrow, which I’m sure I’ll do okay on.
Until later ..