So in my never-ending search for the perfect mood music for writing, it’s come down to Pat McGee’s version of Piano Man for tonight. It’s a tranquil blue night, with a perfect quarter moon.
So, I had this audition the other week. It wasn’t for anything big — the upperclassmen have a directing class, and they hold auditions for their final exam scenes. I wasn’t going to audition, mostly because I was lazy and unprepared, but I did it anyway and made up a monologue on the spot. It was the best audition of my life. It was in front of 20 kids from the department, most of whom intimidate the hell out of me or hadn’t ever given me a second glance. But the point is this: not only did I get in two scenes, I was suddenly embraced by the theatre department here that had once thought I was an untalented dork.
That’s what I hated so much about this major: the fact that I was such a complete outsider. I lurked around corners and bowed my head whenever I would pass a more prominent person of the department. But now the door had been opened, and suddenly, I was loving this department.
I was invited to a huge Halloween party after the show (the fall musical is Fiddler on the Roof, which I’m not in, but was in the box office for, which I loved) on Friday, and though I had been casually invited to parties before, I finally felt comfortable enough to go. So, I bought a cheap prom dress from Ragstock, smothered my face in blood and went as Carrie, armed with lots o’ liquor to keep my nerves down.
And I had fun. There were still the people that were snotty to me — I’m still not cool enough for many of them, but for the most part, I danced, had one too many jello shots and laughed with the people who I felt I could call my friends.
At 3 AM, I was laying in AJ’s (a transfer from NY who is a cocky pimp kid, but I get along with him) lap, drunk to the stars, when I realized I just wanted to go home and be with my friends. I called Erik, and he picked me up, and we went back to the apartment, where I relaxed into the arms of safety.
I guess my point was this, again: I had wanted so badly to be considered worthy in that department, though I had, of course, denied it. But when I was finally deemed “cool,” I realized I didn’t even want to be around that group of people. I have a home, and oh, is it good.
You gots to wonder when the boy you were earlier today so happily in amour with says he’s “freaked out” that you’re not baptized. Ah! I thought we had covered all this in Stage One of Relationship.
He’s still a Lutheran Midwest Kid at heart.
So, autumn is all afoot and stuff in Duluth, and I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but autumn smells and feels the same here as it does in Virginia. I think the lake may add a little cold crispness to the air that’s not present in VA, but otherwise, the leaves and the chill are relatively the same.
It makes more more than a little nostalgic for past autumns, but I’m trying not to think about that too much. I’m in this great class right now that’s all about energy and zen and focusing on the present and all sorts of good stuff. But I still feel him sometimes, in the rain and the little details.
I’ve been in this poetically sappy pensive writing mood the past week or so, which is why I’ve refrained from writing ’cause sometimes that type of stuff is not so much the fun thing to read.
And now I’ve completely lost my train of thought. I should really try updating when I’m inspired.
Things in my life: auditions, auditions, auditions (my school is doing a stage of adaptation of As I Lay Dying, which will be absurd as hell, but I’ll also feel incredibly cheated if I don’t get cast ’cause I’m the only true Southerner in this Northern bunch [it takes place in Mississippi]). Other things: a massive flu that won’t go away, being really much in love again when I never ever though I would in my life (though it’s not the same, and maybe that bothers me a little), getting obsessed with Unreal and basically just surviving the year.
Currently reading: The Journals of Sylvia Plath (wonderful! this girl is my soulmate).
Just finished reading: The Posionwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver. OHMYGOD! This novel rocks beyond belief. It’s in my top 10, if not my top 5.
Currently obsessed with: show tunes again, plus John Hiatt’s version of Have a Little Faith in Me.
Loving: wearing sweaters, rainy mornings, good apples, Erik the Blue-Haired Kid from Fargo, Nyquil, getting good grades
Disliking: bad sleeping habits, memories around every corner, Sour Cream and Onion chips that give me stomach aches, my complexion that has gone to hell despite my dedication to daily and nightly facial washing
I’ll let you know if anything scandalous happens, but so far, the scandal is happening with anyone but me.
Goodnight, goodnight.
And in honour of the 12th of October, we have a guest update writer. He is Matt Dailey, tall, blue-eyed, piano/viola/lots o’ instrument playing pilot with tendencies of perfection:
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Life is going. There was a tough week there for a moment, where I almost changed my major and moved to Ireland. Everything’s getting back on track I think, though. I suck at Ballet and I can’t breathe correctly, but the leaves are blood red and gold outside my window, the lake air is winter perfume and I’ve got this blue-haired kid from Fargo who’s my love.
“I must go on.
I can’t go on.
I’ll go on.”
I don’t how it works, but sometimes I can hear a song again and again and not have it affect me, then one day, it’ll get stuck in my head and suddenly I’m obsessed. The newest:
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