This pretty much summed up how the next year would be.
Just thought I would let everyone know that I still can’t sleep. This is the worst insomnia of my life.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-31-2001 | 06:12 AM
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The usual Virginia insomnia
I can’t sleep, damn it. I attempted to go to bed early so I could turn my wacky sleeping schedule around, but instead I just lay in bed for about four hours before giving up.
I haven’t been able to get to my e-mail for three days now, so if you wrote me, I’m not ignoring you. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get to it tomorrow.
I had a lot to say earlier today, about how odd my family is with movie rental places and fast food and the like, but I lost the inspiration early on.
So, instead, you get a short, irritable update about my sleeping patterns.
I’ll write before then, but if you live in a time zone that will slide in 2002 before I do, Happy New Year’s and all that jazz.
Goodnight (I hope).
Posted by: Zosia | 12-31-2001 | 03:12 AM
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Malice is malicious
I just got finished watching an awful movie titled Malice and drinking decaffeinated hot chocolate. I am rather grumpy for a number of reasons, so I’m going to take this as a sign that I need to curl up under my comforter and sleep for at least ten hours.
Goodnight.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-30-2001 | 03:12 AM
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Stood up, again
I really hate being stood up – not that being stood up is anyone’s favorite exciting hobby, but still. I’ve done my share of blowing off, I know, and I’m probably paying penance for it because it seems like every time I come home for the holidays and make plans with someone and then consequently get sort of excited for those plans, the person stands me up.
I showered. Granted, I didn’t get out of my pajamas, but I was sure the Pilot would call and then I would transform myself into Beautiful Nubile Woman. But, alas, here it is, almost 1 AM and my pilot has blown me off.
Just as well. I should stick to the fact that a good book and a strong cup of coffee is better than any night on the town, anyway.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-30-2001 | 12:12 AM
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Sleep wonky
Here is what I have done today: slept, ate lunch, watched a show on gangsters, slept, drank coffee. I haven’t showered and my immune system has decided to take it’s annual Christmas leave, so I’m stuffy and feel like there are little soldiers with sharp weapons battling it out in between my eyes.
In high school, I was always and forever sick of some kind. I used to think it was because I was depressed and frail or whatever, but now I think maybe I have some type of weird allergy to my house. It could be the fact that I grew unaccustomed to dogs and cigarette smoke while living in the health conscious retirement home that is Duluth, MN. It also could be that my white cells are big wusses.
Anyway. I was supposed to have a cute father-daughter date to the movies today, but I slept right through it. Whoops. Tonight, I’m supposed to go galavanting elegantly around town with the pilot-former-beau mentioned below, but he hasn’t called and I haven’t showered, so that may not go through. I have this fear that he’ll drop by unannounced, and I’ll be still in my grubby pajamas – these baggy gray pants everyone hates except me and a ratty blue t-shirt that says “Don’t Drink and Drive.” Not that I care what I look like. Well – that’s not true. I haven’t seen the Pilot in over a year, and I suppose I want to look dashing and irresistibly charmingly beautiful. In fact, I always want to look like that. Instead, I just manage to pull off wrinkled and klutzy.
No! I hear a car in the driveway. Shit. The dogs are barking. Hopefully, it’s my brother coming home.
Ah, false alarm.
I can’t keep staying up until well past 5 AM and then arising two hours before the sun sets. I feel like I’m wasting the last few days of 2001.
Alright, I’m off to have more coffee and continue to do nothing.
I might have to call Norm tomorrow. Just to see his new puppy, however. Not because he looks like a model. Nope.
What is about being home that turns me into a damn gushing schoolgirl?
Posted by: Zosia | 12-29-2001 | 07:12 PM
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Screwy 4 A.M.
It is past four in the morning and the year 2001 is almost over and all I can think about is that the most exciting, cinematic, thrilling moments that happen to me are the ones that I can rarely write here.
So I record my senses and try to remember in that fashion: smell, of the green candle labeled “rain,” but that actually smells more like pine. Touch, of the wax I spilled on my hand, the worn insides of my sweater. Taste, hot chocolate. Double chocolate. Whole milk, strange, when I’m used to skim. Sight, the light of the candle on the computer screen. And all I hear is my keyboard, the hum of the monitor, the gentle breathing of one of my dogs in the hallway.
I need to sleep. My imagination runs rampant when it hits 4 AM.
“I asked him why is 4 AM so screwy and why stray boys doesn’t go home -”
Posted by: Zosia | 12-29-2001 | 04:12 AM
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Alva Star
Hi, hi, hi. I had a ton to write last night, then got distracted somehow, and now my train of thought is lost..
So, Erik is coming here for my birthday (January 11). I’m extremely excited for that, but it feels a tad bittersweet because I had to practically plead with him to do it. It’s a long touchy issue with us, but in the end, I think he’s coming because he sincerely wants to. At least, I can hope.
Another person e-mailed me and asked me if Erik read this site. He doesn’t. At first it was because I asked him not to, and now he just doesn’t out of his own volition.
Virginia air has such a crackling clarity that Duluth doesn’t have. There is a strange stillness in the air at nights, especially in the neighborhood where I live. It’s a neighborhood brimming over with kids, but at night, there’s a quiet that’s penetrating. It’s something I didn’t appreciate until I was away from home – now, sitting on my back porch, watching the neighbor’s Christmas lights blink and noting the absence of wind (maybe that’s why I think it’s so quiet), I’ll be durned if I jest don’t git inspired.
My Southern accent is back full force. People who say Virginia isn’t really the south haven’t been to southeast Virginia. If you’re from anyplace except there, you won’t understand a word anyone is saying.
Remember Norm from my long unfinished tale in Scraps up there [this page has been removed from the site, 08.18.02]? I never finished it because I got lazy with it, so here’s a quick summary: our date was fabulous; I saw him later with mutual friends; he blew me off right before I left. End of story. I was bitter about the blowing-off portion then because I was in the midst of all that annoying turmoil with Erik. These days, I could care less, but apparently, he gave my mother (who he works with) his new phone number yesterday and told her to make sure I called him.
The nerve.
He was extremely incredibly attractive, however. Damn superficialness.
Anyway. I’m babbling about nothing.
My family is so strange about my new (well, five months now) vegetarianism.
Quotes:
Mother: “Can you eat mushrooms? Do vegetarians eat mushrooms?”
Brother: “You want some chicken? Are you people allowed to eat chicken?”
Right. Alright, I’m off. Finish my coffee, then read until my eyes burst.
I’m too afraid to check if the grades are up yet, but that’s a whole other story.
I’ll leave you with a lyric that’s been in my head for no apparent reason for days:
“You don’t even understand, she has got to be the one -”
Posted by: Zosia | 12-28-2001 | 03:12 PM
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Lemurs and nerds
Someone e-mailed me yesterday and asked me what was up with the overabundance of the words “nerd” and “lemur” on my page.
The Nerds is what my friends and I call our little network of people. The house I live in is officially the Nerd House. Nerd derived from Chris F. calling the lot of us Band Nerds (whether we were in band or not) a couple of years ago.
For an art project, Beth made a lemur. We all thought that was kind of kitsch and funny, so lemurs became integrated into our daily vocabulary, as well.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-26-2001 | 08:12 PM
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M. Dailey
I’m a nerd. My brother has a webcam, so I’ve been playing with it. For your viewing pleasure, the Zosia SpyCam is currently in operation. Since I know nothing of webcams so far, my webcam page is crappy.
Hit reload every thirty seconds or so to see me in action. Whew.
And it is a crappy camera, so just know the images are pretty grainy. Also, I’m using a free cam uploading software, so there’s bound to be some ugly banners floating across the top. I suppose when I’m not here, it just sticks on the last image recorded. So, if you’re uploading a bunch of times for over a minute, you can assume I’m off places doing exciting things.
Anyway. I still want to write my Adventures with Amtrak blurb, but I’ll probably make that a longer writing, so it will take a little bit longer than usual.
What can I say about being home? It’s nice to relax, but yesterday I was bored to tears. We do all of our Christmas stuff on Christmas Eve, so Christmas is usually pretty slow. My brother, who is the most sensitive person known to the universe, got angry at something and stomped off for the whole day. That kid just recently joined the Navy and is off to boot camp in a few months – I have no idea how he’s going to handle being screamed at on a regular basis if he can’t handle my mother asking him to take his dishes to the sink.
Anyway. The more I come home, the more I discover the origins of my personality traits. Since I am still stuck in my self-absorbed 20th year, everything turns into a self-analysis of myself. I always wondered how I could have such a gentle spirit in terms of war and killing (I mean, I can’t even watch another person kill an ant without tearing up), but then have such a fiery violent temper. So, it’s nice to discover the recipe of simple, sweet-hearted father + fiery temperamental mother = contradictory daughter. Right
I haven’t summoned up the courage to tell my parents about my grades yet. Oh, I suppose I haven’t written about them on here, either. So, I’ll be on Academic Probation next semester. This phrase singes my poor, former-Honors student heart. I failed a five credit class, along with a one-credit easy as fuck class that I just didn’t do the work for, and most likely got a D in a three credit class. I’ve been trying not to hyperventilate about all of this too much. I could be thrown out of the theatre program. My advisor is going to hunt me down in Virginia and thrown me to dragons. I’m trying to tell myself that grades don’t matter, etc., but that’s what I told myself this whole semester and look where it got me.
Yeah. No more thoughts of that.
Last night, I made semi-plans with a former pilot beau and then accidentally forgot about them, so I feel a little bad. It’s so strange with this guy, however – we dated after my break-up with Nick and before I moved to Minnesota, and in all honesty, I think we both knew it was all about the ::ahem:: intimate relations (I’m back home in the South now, and suddenly my Southern ladylike upbringing is smacking me in the face full force). We tried to make a relationship out of it, but it didn’t quite work. So, now, whenever I come home and we get together for coffee or the likes, there’s always stunted conversation and extreme ::ahem, again:: tension, as the intimate relations were mind-blowingly incredible.
Tangent there. Alright, I think I’m off to the bookstore.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-26-2001 | 03:12 PM
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Sweet home
I’m home. The font is always off a bit when I update from home, but I’ll learn how to fix that, hopefully.
So! Merry Christmas, to those whose celebrate. I most likely will write a longer update about my adventure on Amtrak tomorrow. All in all, it was a pleasant experience. My body is completely out of whack, however – I still feel like I’m on the train and my stomach does, as well.
I’m so happy to be home that I can’t express it. I am exhausted but I don’t want to sleep yet because I want to fully appreciate this home-ness. Sitting at this computer, in this old chair, with a candle lit, is like a step back in time and for once, my step back in time isn’t tinged with bitterness. My family is wonderful. My dogs are awesome. My shower with the massager shower head and the drain that is constantly clogged, no matter how much Liquid Plumber you put in it, is incredible. I’m in new flannel plaid pajamas, my hair is wet and I feel 17. But the good parts of 17, without all the teenage angst.
More tomorrow, when I’m not so drunk off of exhaustion.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-25-2001 | 12:12 AM
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The Night Before Trains
Well, I’m off, kids. I’m going to the Cities to stay with Erik at his Mom’s place for the night and tomorrow, and then Sunday I’m off to Virginia. I’m a little nervous about the train ride, mostly because I think I’m a little nervous about anything and everything in general, but I think I’ll be alright.
So, I shall see you back here late Monday evening. Christmas Eve. Good grief, that came fast.
Kisses and wishes for a good holiday and that jazz.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-21-2001 | 09:12 PM
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Like Dagny
After much contemplation, I’ve decided to take a train home. It leaves Sunday morning, and I get home Monday night. I’m not too worried about it – I think it might be nice to see the country in that type of blurry fashion. Then again, 15 hours into it, I’ll probably be weeping from boredom. Anyone have any ideas of how to entertain myself?
Posted by: Zosia | 12-21-2001 | 01:12 PM
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Christmas chair
Alright, I just sped-wrote a six page paper that’s due at 10 AM tomorrow. I still have many more to write, but I felt good about getting this one done. I need to get up in five hours, but my mind is all a-buzzin’. I suppose I could write my other papers, but I might as well crawl into bed with my sleepy kid and try to at least nap for a bit.
Though we had decided not to give each other Christmas presents, Erik caved and got me this wonderful leather comfortable computer chair, which was much needed and much much appreciated. I had been using this awful metal folding chair for months now, and considering how many hours a day I spend at my computer, a comfortable chair is a must.
Alright, to sleep. The night is slowly wrapping
Posted by: Zosia | 12-20-2001 | 02:12 AM
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A witness to this impulse
Okay, so I had the most rocking Acting final ever. In fact, our whole class was just absolutely incredible and our teacher told us this was the best Acting II final he had ever seen and was all choked up. In fact, we were all choked up and then Sexy Man (Acting teacher) read some very appropriate poetry and we just lost it. Had a big group hug with the 12 of us and made such loud sounds of glee that people were poking their head in the classroom to see the giddiness. I love the people in my qualifying class. Seriously. I don’t hang out with them much outside of school, but somehow that makes me closer to them. Right.
Anyway – hi. I’m in a great mood. Acting was my last official final, but I still have five trillion papers to write before 10 AM tomorrow, so I don’t feel any sense of relief yet.
It’s 40 degrees in Duluth in December and there’s no snow. Unbelievable. This is what it’s like in Virginia in December. Damn global warming and all.
How am I getting home, you ask? Well, it looks like I’m flying, but I really won’t know until I get to the airport, I think. I have this image of me screaming and fainting and causing a scene at the gate. But we’ll see about that, as well.
Erik and I were driving to Barnes and Noble (the new one! which, actually, I have decided I equally love as much as my small old intimate one), and I came to this grand self conclusion in the car. I told him, “You know why I’m always so afraid of things and cautious all the time and constantly aware of things that will kill me? It’s because I’m afraid if I stop worrying, all the bad things will actually happen.”
And I was so proud of this discovery, and if we had been in a movie or book, Erik would have pulled over, looked at me with tears in the corners of his eyes and hugged me.
Instead, he half-yawned and fiddled with the radio, saying, “Yeah, maybe.”
Ah. Such is life. Right?
Where am I going with all this, you ask? I don’t know. I’m hyper.
I was in Barnes and Noble and so damn giddily happy about being surrounded by books and coffee and merry people, and I thought, “Geeze, I can’t die in a plane crash.”
I’m full of revelations.
Alright, I need to speed write about a million things. The senior acting finals are tonight, so we all get to watch and sniffle and hug a lot.
I’ll leave you with the quotation Sexy Man read to us today. Of course, he meant it in terms of acting. It’s from “Letters to a Poet” by Rainier Maria Rilke:
“You ask whether your verses are an good. You ask me. You have asked others before this. You send them to magazines. You compare them with other poems, and you are upset when certain editors reject your work. Now (since you have said you want my advice) I beg you to stop doing that sort of thing. You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you – no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.
This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple ‘I must,’ then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your while life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse.”
Posted by: Zosia | 12-19-2001 | 02:12 PM
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The grossest refrigerator in the world
Two things:
a) Erik did a very nasty and much-needed thing today. He cleaned out one of our fridges (we have two) that was so completely gross and full of moldy food. Beth and I watched, and ran and screamed like little girls when a big chunk of moldy food fell out of a Tupperware container. Here is a visual of Erik making the appropriate face whilst cleaning:
b) Now I am feeling a little guilty about my diatribe down there about commercialism. I found another way to clarify it, though, and it’s part of a letter I wrote to Abbey: the type of gifts I’m not a fan of are those that people buy just because they know they have to give a gift, and so they buy something that doesn’t mean anything to them or won’t mean anything to the person that they’re giving it to. But gifts given out of love of course don’t apply to what I was talking about.
That’s all. I got nothing done today, but that’s not unusual. I went to an employee party with Beth at the restaurant where she works and scoped out entirely attractive people while drinking Sprite and experimentating with interesting cuisine.
Goodnight.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-17-2001 | 12:12 AM
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Hating on Christmas
Alright, I was a little hesitant on whether to post my opinion on this, but I’m moved to do it now, I suppose. Just know that I’m not judging the masses when I say this, or am I berating anyone in anyway.
I hate hate hate the commercialism of Christmas. I don’t like that it’s all about buying and getting and frustration in shopping lines and feeling irritated at mall traffic. Everyone around me is talking about their Christmas lists, and honestly, it almost makes me a little sick. I was never brought up with the Christmas list idea, however, and that’s probably why it’s easier for me to be against it now.
I can’t get this out coherently. Okay. I’ll try more simply. I don’t like presents for the sake of giving presents. I don’t want my mother or boyfriend or best friend to be rushing through the mall the day before Christmas, racking his or her brain on what to get me because they think I’ll be upset if I don’t get a gift. A present to me is one that you just see and think: “Yes. That’s perfect for this person.” This is said so much and is often viewed as corny, but the best presents are the ones that cost nothing. Giving me extra big hugs in the morning. Bringing me Thera Flu when I’m sick as a dog at midnight. Making stir fry and sharing it with me. Stuff like that. I am honestly one of those simple mushy people that love things like that.
Whatever anyone gives me, I love. It’s the thought. And I just feel disheartened with the idea of a Christmas list – the kid making up a list of things she wants, giving it to the relatives and then the relatives buying those things. Where’s the spirit and surprise in that? So, you have what you want. I don’t know.
Erik and I are an odd couple in the fact that we don’t do present stuff on birthdays or Christmas or Valentine’s Day. In fact, we don’t do anything on Valentine’s Day. This was my choice, and a part of me regrets it a little. But I like the everyday gifts and the everyday love – I don’t need a day pointed out to me as motivation to let someone know I love them. You know?
Again, I’m absolutely not trying to judge anyone else who is traditional in this sense. Anything with done with heart and good intentions is worthwhile. But this is how I express my heart and good intentions.
Mush mush mush, I know. But I am a peace-lovin’ naturalist hippie in the core of me.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-16-2001 | 04:12 PM
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Concussion
Back again. Thought of a few more things to say.
After reading 1984, I can’t seem to trust anything the media is saying. I was never a strict believer, anyway, but now I’m so iffy about things I feel paranoid. All this shit about “closing in on Bin Laden” sounds fake and like it’s trying to rouse some false battlecry.
On an entirely different note, yesterday evening I banged my head extremely hard on the edge of Erik’s dresser. A long time ago, I read somewhere that you’re not supposed to sleep for 24 hours after you receive (ha! like it’s a gift) a concussion. I knew I didn’t have a concussion, but my paranoid hypochondriac self tried to stay awake as long as possible last night. As a result, I’m exhausted.
That’s all.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-15-2001 | 10:12 PM
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I was being crushed by my crush the night my crush began
Hi. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I actually have started quite a few entries, only to be distracted or interrupted. For some reason, if I’m writing something here, I don’t want anyone to watch me do it or read over my shoulder or even be in the same vicinity while I’m writing – which is odd, considering this is published to the masses.
There’s a Sunny Wicked gig tonight, but I decided to stay home and catch up on homework and enjoy the empty house. Right. I’m bored and freezing (my room is always cold cold cold) and eating soggy popcorn and writing a lot of Hissyfit posts and doing Erik laundry for him ’cause I swiped all of his quarters the other week. Am I getting homework done? No.
Friday was the last day of classes, but I’ve been rehearsing so much for my performance finals that I don’t even feel like school is over.
I’m supposed to fly home this coming Saturday, but that’s another issue entirely. I hate planes. Recent acts of planes exploding and flying into buildings has sky-rocketed my fear into unimaginable levels. I don’t know how I’m getting home.
Anyway. We had a Christmas party last night. It was small, but nice, full of Christmas movies and poinsettias and daiquiris and cookies. We also played Hide and Go Seek, which turned out to be rather fun. Our house is pretty big and has a lot of nooks and dark places. I won the first round because I hid under a blanket on Erik’s bed and then Chris F. (who wasn’t playing) laid (which is not the right tense of that word, but I’ve never learned the correct way) on top of me and pretended to sleep. Ingenious. I’ll have pictures up later.
Today I was supposed to get a lot done. I rehearsed with my Type-A scene partner, but then came home and listened to the band practice in the basement and read Maxim (I hate that magazine, but it’s like crack).
And here I am, 10 PM on a Saturday night. There’s a theatre party tonight. Erik wants to go, but he works until midnight, so we’ll see if I’m in any type of party mood by the time he returns.
My fingers are like icicles.
Alright, time to catch up on e-mails and find even more ways to waste time.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-15-2001 | 09:12 PM
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‘allo.
I’m here, just busy learning Cockney and German dialects and trying to keep myself warm. I’ll update better a little later.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-13-2001 | 12:12 AM
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Right back where we started from
Well, I have certainly been lazy today, when I absolutely don’t have the luxury to be that way. I always seem to end up doing what I want, no matter, though. I didn’t have any classes today because in my performance classes, we’re in Tutorial Mode, which means we have private meetings with the professors for the rest of the semester and I didn’t have any tutorials today. Plus, Stagecraft and I parted ways long ago, and are not on speaking terms.
The show I was working on – The Movie Game – was chosen to go to regional competition in Nebraska! Yay! It’s such an excellent show and completely deserved this. I wish I could go, but alas, they don’t bring running crew. Abbey, as stage manager, gets to go, however, and she’ll have a blast.
All I’ve managed to do today, to get back on the procrastination tangent, is wake at an awful hour, drink coffee, read, eat lunch, play Unreal and then surf mindlessly on the internet. I had a doctor’s appointment at 3:30, but the doctor is sick, which is highly amusing and disturbing at the same time.
The end of a show – even when my participation was just lowly scenic crew – is like the end of a relationship, in a bittersweet way. I downloaded a bunch of songs that are played throughout the show, and I can’t quite listen to them yet.
Erik is out of town for the night. I don’t have class until 2 tomorrow. I should do something youthful and energetic, yes?
Top Girls rehearsal was excellent. I was a little apprehensive about being in a show with a bunch of girls I didn’t know too well, but it looks like we’re all gonna be buddies.
“We gotta get right back to where we started from-”
Posted by: Zosia | 12-10-2001 | 03:12 PM
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Bridget Jones and butch Germans
It’s 4:22 and it’s dusk. Not that I want summer to happen, but I really could use some extra daylight, especially when I use Sundays to catch up on sleep, if sleep can really be caught up on.
Last night. My last night at the show. I’ll miss it. Running crew is, in essence, a grunt job, but I had fun and I bonded with people and I’ll miss that. Rehearsals for Top Girls start in less than three hours and the tons of research I was supposed to do hasn’t happened. Whoops.
Theatre party last night. Beth and Erik came along; I drank a lot; I discovered I am the Bridget Jones of social events. I was introducing Beth to everyone and noticed I was using the formula, “Beth, this is Random Theatre Person. Random Theatre Person was in this Random Show. Beth likes lemurs.” Not quite like that, but you know. I’m socially inept, even whilst drunk. It’s okay. Nerds still love me.
School is over for the semester in two weeks. Good grief.
Nothing of consequence to say, so I’m off to scrape up information on feminism and butch Germans.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-09-2001 | 04:12 PM
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You know before you know
Yeah, I’m slightly numbingly tipsy, having not drank for over a month and then consumed a fair amount of alcohol in a short amount of time. I was supposed to go to this party with Erik tonight, but I walked in and I got the worst vibe from it. Do you know about vibes? You’ll probably think I’m new-age fucking crazy, but I get vibes from absolutely everything, good or bad, and I can’t be in a place where I feel a bad vibe. Nothing specific has to trigger it; sometimes, it’s just there. The worst vibe I’ve ever gotten was from a Versace store in northern Virginia and that was years ago. I asked Erik to take me home and we got into a minor fight, though it wasn’t really over the fact that I asked him to take me home – more like I had a sudden bout of insecurity and saw all the beautifully toned girls in bikinis (it was Hawaiian themed) at the party and just felt wretched.
Which is random, since I was so hyper and happy and secure in myself at the show tonight. Seriously. I often think some of the theatre people don’t speak to me because they don’t like me, but I really think it has to do with my cold, stand-offish attitude. Tonight, when I was open and friendly and flirty, I felt like I had everyone in the palm of my hand. Of course, there was that awkward moment when one of the running crew guys invited one of the other girls to a party right in front of me and neglected to ask me.
This happens all the time with those kids and while there’s a slight lurch of heart, in the end, I really don’t think I would enjoy myself if I hung out with the theatre kids all the time. I love my nerds. There was nothing more wonderful than walking in tonight from the Bad Vibe Party and having everyone happy to see me. It was warm. It was good. I’m comfortable here.
I’m sleepy now. I guess alcohol can no longer turn me into a wild seductive party girl; but, rather, a tired woman with a long day ahead of her. That’s okay, sometimes. Like I’ve said a million times before, most nights a good book and hot cup of coffee satisfies me more than any party could.
Everyone’s playing Taboo downstairs and the murmur of voices is somewhat comforting. I think I’m going to bed. I wish Erik was here, but he elected to stay at the party. A part of me wishes him bluebirds*, and another part of me hates him. But I’ll sleep that off. Goodnight.
Oh, and I can’t leave without mentioning the snow tonight. The two running crew guys and I were walking to our cars after the show, and there was just the slight dusting of snow on the road. The snow was falling in the prettiest way possible, the way in which girls look beautiful with pink cheeks and boys can absolutely look sensitive. Even the cocky running crew guy, who I often don’t like, said, “I love this. It’s so silent and so white.”
Weather poetry. Right.
Second oh: the video. I wasn’t being made fun off. I fucked up my part because I was so worried about being made fun of, but it wasn’t mean-spirited on the guy’s part. I worry too much.
* This is a song that’s in the show, and it’s been in my head for days, so I’ll post the lyrics here. I don’t know who originally sings it, but we have the Frank Sinatra version. Maybe he’s the original.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-08-2001 | 01:12 AM
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Middle school
Some of the actors in the show I’m working on are making a parody video of the show to give to the director for his birthday, and I was asked to come in early today to play one of the parts in it. What worries me is that the guy who asked me has never, ever really liked me. He’s never said as such and we’ve never had any major altercation, but I’ve always gotten the worst vibe from him. He has a way of looking at me and squashing my self esteem to tiny particles. You know those type of people, right? So, I’m worried that whatever part I play in the video is going to be a vehicle for him to make fun of me – i.e., I’ll be playing a wretched horrible creepy dorky ugly person.
All my middle school fears of being made fun of are suddenly surfacing – suddenly, the moment in 6th grade of being on stage for the Schoolwide Trivia Wheel of Fortune and having the whole school boo me is flashing before me. And all because of one guy with powerfully demeaning eyes.
Right, right. I’m delusional. I’ll be finishing this coffee and going now.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-07-2001 | 05:12 PM
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Center for Fucked Up Diseases
I think my true calling in life is to be a phlebotomist. Well, not really, but they have always fascinated me. They’re the people that do the lab bloodwork at a hospital and I only know they’re called phlebotomists because at my university’s health services, there’s a big sticker in the lab that says: (big red heart) your Phlebotomist.
I got blood work done today because I wanted to find out if I was dying, since my body has seemed to be giving me those signals as of late. Nothing is evidently wrong, though there was a slight moment of panic when the phlebotomist took my blood, looked at it and then ran over to the phone, dialed some numbers, nodded, then hung up. All I could think was, Oh, God, I have some new disease that has never been seen before and she just called the Center for Fucked Up Diseases and now they’re going to quarantine me and and I’m going to have walk around in a plastic bubble. But, alas, I came out unscathed, though it’s still worrisome because I feel sick, yet my body won’t produce any diseased blood, damn it.
Ah, yes. On an entirely different tangent, way back in the early early years of high school, I was a huge huge fan of the musical RENT, which is now viewed as an angsty teen thing to enjoy, but hey, it ripped my heart out in a good way the ten or so times I saw it, and that’s enough for me to have a forever allegiance to it. Anyway, I don’t listen to the cast recording as much as I used to, but every year around Christmas, I tend to pull it out and remember why I loved it. So, I’m listening to that now.
The weekend, you ask? Let’s see. The show tonight. Then, Erik has invited me to a party at his friend’s house, which I may or may not attend. Tomorrow, rehearsal upon rehearsal for various class things and then the show. Sunday, first Top Girls rehearsal. Yes.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-07-2001 | 03:12 PM
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Flatshion
I love Nick because I won’t hear from him for a month and then out of the blue, he’ll IM me with something like this:
Avant: hey pilgrim
Avant: dont get scared
Avant: i come w/ honest intentions
Avant: i just wanted to know
Avant: how you grow corn
Avant: for I shall prepare a feast of epic proportions
Avant: and it shall be called
Avant: Flatshoin
Posted by: Zosia | 12-06-2001 | 03:12 PM
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Typical
I ran into a tree today, walking to my car, and cut my head open. I think it’s time for Winter Break.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-05-2001 | 04:12 PM
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Skin care
Skin care is very important, especially when there is a 300 page novel to be read before tomorrow.
Right. As you can see, I continued with my pattern of productivity tonight. That’s Matt shirt. I think I’m holding it for ransom, though I’m not sure
Posted by: Zosia | 12-03-2001 | 10:12 PM
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O Night Divine
So, after I posted my wonderfully fascinating and, of course, very telling playlist, I realized I should download some holiday (I’m politically correct, you know) music. Did you guys realize the holiday season is upon us? I’ve been so caught up in my stress and my work and my migraine-inducing dilemmas that I forgot that it’s almost Christmas.
I have loved Christmas (weird tense there, but correct for what I’m trying to say). I used to get so brain-numbingly excited for Christmas around July or so, and then it would build and build until I had a red and green orgasm around December 1. And now it’s December 3, and I haven’t given a thought to anything holiday related. We have a fiber optic Christmas tree in our living room and a star-thingy than can light up on our banister, but I still don’t feel it. I want hot chocolate and fireplaces and stockings and parties and music and big winter coats that are more than functional. See, right now, I’m trying to force the feeling, by listening to Christmas music and trying to look at the snow outside as more than just a driving annoyance. But it’s dusk in Duluth, a time of day I really dislike, and I can’t feel anything but tired and headachey and overwhelmed with work.
I should go play in the snow tonight. I should put on my ugly red jacket that absolutely swallows me, the gloves I borrowed from Beth because I’ve lost every pair I’ve ever owned, the six foot long scarf my Mom crocheted for me in middle school, the hat that used to reside in Erik’s glove compartment until he finally realized I looked better in it than him and gave it to me, and I should go have snowball fights until I am soaked to the bone. Then I should come in and warm my hands under Erik’s shirt and drink Swiss Miss with the extra big marshmallows.
I should. I should. I should.
I’ll let you know how that goes.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-03-2001 | 04:12 PM
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Winamp procrastination
Oh, so much to do and my only night off of the whole semester – should I start reading 1984 for my class? Should I clean my room and/or my car? Should I go get new tires to replace my threadbare pieces of crap? Oh, no, wait, I know what I should do! I should generate a playlist of all my MP3s for you to look at. Ah, yes. Nothing like a productive Monday afternoon.
(Thanks to Mr. Smith for the Winamp playlist inspiration, though mine is not nearly as thorough as hers.)
Posted by: Zosia | 12-03-2001 | 03:12 PM
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The migraine incident
Ever have temporary blindness in one eye, only to have it turn into a horrible migraine that lands you in the ER, where you are then pumped full of narcotics that make you run downstairs when you return home, start to make tea, run back upstairs when someone starts a blender and then not remember any of that five hours later?
Right. That was my Saturday. I missed the show, and everyone’s pissed at me, so it should be interesting to walk into an angry mob in a few hours.
I think my brain is self-destructing. It hurts to think. Only 21 more days until I can be home in the warm and relaxing air of Virginia, where the birds sing only during the day and mothers are there to make you grilled cheese when you’re sick (though Erik did an excellent job of that last night).
I think I’m going to start becoming a morning person. One sunrise per lifetime does not an enlightened person make.
Posted by: Zosia | 12-02-2001 | 01:12 PM
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